January 24, 2010 7:49am

I woke up this morning feeling really depressed, exactly how I went to bed... and barely slept last night. So as I get ready to prepare for my day, thoughts race through my head. I wonder what's going to happen with me and him, preparing for it to end, as painful as that will/would be. I've never done well in relationships... but this one is different. Never have I been so happy with someone or missed someone so much. Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts, as pathetic and cheesy as that may sound. I've said 'I love you' to guys before, but when I say it to him, it gives love a whole new meaning to me. And as I go on with my day, I wonder if something really is going to happen or if it's just me, just my paranoia. I really wish there was someone I could talk to who really understood... but yet, I can't ever really explain all of it, no matter how I try. More than anything, I wish I could choose people and just let them see into my head for a while, so they can really see what I think and feel. Sometimes the words get so twisted as they come out. People act like they understand, and maybe they think they do, but they really don't. I hate being me sometimes. It's like I'm my own worst enemy, so uncomfortable in my own skin. I try so hard, usually only to be disappointed. Mostly I just wish I had someone to love me, and I know I am loved, I just wish I could really feel and believe it. I wish I was good enough for my mom, and that she could actually be a mom to. I wish there was someone I could talk to everything about. I wish that love weren't so complicated and confusing. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things when you love someone, and it feels like I'm sacrificing so much, for him, for my mom... But what do I get from it? Is it my destiny to always be hurt? Will Anyone ever understand? I'm so tired of being paranoid all the time, of being afraid I've said something wrong or that I'm annoying him. Don't I deserve t be loved and to be happy as well?... I've made up my mind that I'm going to let him come to me today, and if I'm hurt again, well, then I guess I'll have to deal with it. I always seem to have my heart prepared for being stabbed once again. It seems to happen so often... Well, I should take off for now. I have chores to do before my mom comes home. School starts tomorrow... Hopefully I can take it this semester, I drop my classes again, and I get kicked out.... This sucks. For real, sometimes I just imagine how much better it would be if I was dead... Peace out...

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