Common Relationship Myths by Nocturne

Common Relationship Myths by NocturneEdit

1. You need to tell your partner everything.

No. You need to have an open line of communication and share your feelings honestly, but for the love of your relationship, don't share everything. And if your guy tells you the minute details of his time with his last girlfriend and his horrible break up, find another guy and vice versa about girls.

2. "It's PMS. It's not her fault."

Now, depending on the person, that monthly time can be a literal hell of a dying animal trying to gnaw its way out of the stomach. However, do not stand for unprovoked physical or verbal abuse from your partner. Slapping you, for example, is reserved only for when you're caught cheating and should be quickly followed by her breaking-up with you. A female can control her impulses and actions, even if she might feel like crying for seven days straight. (The actual percentage of females that get severe symptoms are 10%; of course, this doesn't make her feel better if she's one of these ten.)

If your girl claims that she literally cannot do anything about her violent outbursts, perhaps she should go see a doctor/psychiatrist to get mood stabilizers, hormone treatment and/or pain-killers before you even consider a permanent relationship or baby.

3. "I can change him (or her) with love."

He's rather sweet but drinks too much. Or maybe he chain smokes and sometimes pushes you around. Or maybe sometimes her jokes make you feel bad...but once you take that extra step and marry, it'll all be better!

I've heard this before so many times. Don't count on it. Just don't. And for heaven's sake, don't get pregnant with the idiotic idea that it will somehow magically fix everything. Babies cry, squall and stress even the most ideal family situations.

4. "S/he really loves me because s/he says s/he'd die without me."

It's kinda nice to hear that you're a great thing in your partner's life. But once your partner starts telling you: "I'd die if you left me," and "Please, I need to see you. You're the only thing keeping me living/away from self harm..." your relationship is on the fast track to being a marathon of emotional blackmail and you coddling your partner as you are wracked with guilt. News flash: that's not love.

Dependency and obsession are not the foundations to a happy relationship. Furthermore, shouldn't you want more things to be fulfilling in your partner's life rather than just a stalkerish obsession with you? It's not healthy.

If you do decide to go into a long term relationship with a person who waves a "I couldn't live if you left me" card at you, be prepared to spend the rest of your life babying your partner and acting as a personal self-esteem booster 24-7.

5. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't control myself..."

Oh yes. Yes, he or she could. S/he just didn't want to. A real guy or woman would never willingly do anything to hurt their loved one, much more pretend it was out of his or her control or that loved one were somehow at fault.

6. "I don't understand. Why are you doing this?"

Once you hear that, I hope all the red flags go blazing off. It may be that the person really and sincerely got confused by what you were saying or doing, but if this is his or her response to every attempt you make to discuss some issue...well, then, maybe you're better off looking for someone who does understand and doesn't try to make it sound as if it's your fault.

7. "If you really loved me, you would/wouldn't..."

This is a classic. If your guy or girl pulls that on you, start running the other direction and don't stop.

8. Abusive relationship: they exist. The signs.

Just click on the link and read it - even if you feel that there is no way it can apply to you, perhaps one day a friend will need you to tell him or her that s/he needs to get out.

I've had at least three strong-willed female friends that found themselves in this kind of unhappy relationship without ever realizing it. It starts out gradual, and then one day, you look around and whisper: "How did I get here?"

9. "I don't feel in love with her/him 24-7 and yesterday I noticed a guy/girl looked cute. I...I don't love him anymore?"

Maybe. But more likely you are a healthy young man or woman who has a healthy and non-obsessive relationship with your partner. The high of love won't last forever and should be replaced by a comfortable, warming love which doesn't consume every second of your life.

Before you collapse in tears and confess to your partner that you're looking at other girls or guys (not a good idea, by the way), decide if you're thinking to end your relationship or not. If the idea of breaking up with your partner sounds ridiculous and impossible, you're probably still in love with him or her.

10. If you try hard enough, it'll work out.

Perhaps. If both of you are trying

But there is no worse disservice you can do for yourself than slave away trying while your partner continues on his or her same pattern of behavior. It takes two. Short of a few pretty brutal mistakes you can make, a break up will never just be your fault.

***These are just a few I thought of from the top of my head. Share yours if you think of some I missed.

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Violet Moodswing
on Jan 22 2009 12:24 AM
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on me
Some good advise indeed. Of course, when we are in the throws of new "Love" we so rarely stop and look at the signs. If we did we would notice most of these things in those relationships. Alas, hindsight is just so much easier to achieve. Or anyway, it has been for me

I like seeing things like this expressed because the more times people read about these things, the easier it is for the warning "ding" to go off when we are blinded by "love"
purplemoon
on Jan 20 2009 03:13 PM
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This is so true in so many ways. I love this . keep writing.
D
dia
on Jan 03 2009 08:30 AM
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on me
Interesting...

My reaction:
to 1 - I tentatively agree. I'm very much for open relationships. I'm for communication even in situations of cheating or other inconvenient details, it's useful to know each other for real. But some things need time to be said. Others need thought over before deciding. Others are just unnecessary details that do more harm than good, as in your example. So yeah

2. I forget if you're male or female 'cause if you're male, I as a female would rather you not claim you know about PMS. Anyway, I do believe the woman has control mostly, but some may really get emotionally challenged during that period. It's not so much a lack of control as a temporary sense of entitlement, because the emotional difficulties often cause misperception of reality. Of course, though, that does not include extreme actions and an apology for mistakes is definitely in order, but I just felt your take on it was a bit too radical. (Just discussing, nothing personal; I actually found a few times, I was upset or felt guilty or whatever and my boyfriend found me the excuse of PMS, while I insisted that no, that's not an excuse, I was just being me )

3. I believe you can help someone see they need change and guide them to change, actually; but indeed, often enough more resources than just love are needed. Love can be a strong starting point, though.

4. I think sometimes, that phrase may be something other than emotional blackmail; I usually am skeptical of the honesty of such claims. But of course, I've never been there.

5. Everybody makes mistakes. Once again I think your expression is a bit drastic. People don't control themselves all the time, it's our nature. The greatness and frequency of our mistakes, on the other hand.....

6 sounds like communication issues. It confuses me, though.

7. Miscommunication at its best; sometimes people don't realize they are accusing the other and it's inefficient and frustrating. It's just those who mean to do harm that are a concern, the rest could be taught better. However, in some situations it might apply, ie "If you loved me, you wouldn't keep using physical violence. I'm leaving/giving you time alone to reconsider."

8. What link?

9. Mostly agreed. I suppose.

10. Actually, sometimes it does work out. You just have to be really careful to make sure you try without forcing.

My own - (11) All those tips in magazines and such - in real-life situations, no individual person or relationship is like the next one. One shouldn't do something that feels wrong just because the experts say it's healthy or a solution. In some cases, it works wonders. In others, it turns out terribly (learned that one the hard way).

(12) Love Tests and Quizzes - Just because you fit/don't fit into the stereotypes of a fun test, don't go declaring your love for that girl and don't go dumping your boyfriend; it may be a most regrettable mistake, as most tests available to the average audience are more for fun than based of rigorous research.

Sorry for the length of this

Nocturne
on Jan 03 2009 11:12 AM
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My reaction:
to 1 - "I'm for communication even in situations of cheating or other inconvenient details, it's useful to know each other for real." Oh yes, I completely agree, but like you said, there's a line that needs to be drawn as to what is appropriate to share and what isn't. Like in any context.

2. I notice that most females get very defensive when someone mentions PMS. No, I am not a male claiming that whenever a female is emotional, she's pms-ing and whenever she says she's pms-ing, she's faking it. I don't think I said that anywhere in my write up and I apologize if came across like that. If you point out where, I'll edit it accordingly.

However, regularly expecting to be pampered once a month because you're having a slight cramp, and using pms to excuse domestic violence is out of line. Like I said, if it's that bad and the girl really is having trouble, there are plenty of things she can do from herbal remedies that actually work (ex. Valerian) to professional help. There's no reason for dish-breaking and face-slapping once a month (and I'm not using those terms as a euphemism for "being slightly emotional". I'm talking about literal dish-breaking and face-slapping).

In turn, the guy should be understanding and supportive if his girl has a hard time right before or during her period.

3. I believe you can help someone see they need change and guide them to change, actually; but indeed, often enough more resources than just love are needed.

Yes, I can't list how many times I've seen someone go into a marriage deciding that the moment rings are exchanged, the binge-drinking will stop, gambling go away, and it will be a happily ever after. Both sides need to meet each other and want to work on a relationship.

5. Everybody makes mistakes. Once again I think your expression is a bit drastic. I think the main reason I feel that we're disagreeing so much on these points is that I meant them to be of more use for people in beginning relationships (ex young-adults, the first few steps toward a real relationship) and to list many of the warning signs. I am looking at it from a drastic angle and it won't be applicable to most mature relationships that survived their beginning. I'm not afraid of being drastic, though, because generally, a strong view will register for those who need to hear it. The ones that do not - I hope that they don't swallow internet advice without some independent and critical thought.

6 You're lucky you've never had it. It goes this way; you come to your partner with to talk about something you want to change in your relationship (say you want more space, or to go out on the weekends with your friends instead of hers, or share housework differently) and the response is "Why are you like this? What happened to you and why are you doing this to our relationship?"

Maybe it's like the joke thing - you need to have been there to get it. :shrug:

7. Miscommunication at its best; sometimes people don't realize they are accusing the other and it's inefficient and frustrating. It's just those who mean to do harm that are a concern, the rest could be taught better. However, in some situations it might apply, ie "If you loved me, you wouldn't keep using physical violence. I'm leaving/giving you time alone to reconsider."

That's actually a very good point. I did mean the kinds which go: "If you really loved me, you'd do something you don't want to do." and it usually relates to sex, etc.

8. Fixed it >.>

My own - (11) Oh yes. And double checking with other sources is a v v good idea. A lot of what's printed is fluff, and the parts that aren't may just not apply to a certain personality, physiology or type of person.

(12) Love Tests and Quizzes - oh so true!

D
dia
on Jan 03 2009 08:15 PM
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Actually, I just said that 'cause I didn't remember your gender. If you're a female and go through PMS, I guess it doesn't matter. It just seems unfair for someone to judge you and your kind for actions taking during a period of something that person just never experienced, don't you think?

Actually, to many females it's a lot more than "a slight cramp". But yes... physical violence and such is probably inappropriate at all times.

Hmm. Well, sometimes, drastic views are most damaging to those beginning a relationship; relationships mean compromise and if we think anything negative is a true "sign" we may leave a relationship before know each other's motives. Maybe open communication should be used more in this case.

to 6... I see now, but I still think that could be someone who just doesn't know how to express themselves. I know I've made some relationship faux-pas's back when I didn't realize they were miscommunicating how I felt. I'm aware many people may just not know but many use it as a weapon. That's what I meant to say.

7. Ah, yes. Related to sex, that's disgusting.

Common Relationship Myths by NocturneEdit

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