I usually pride myself on my ability to offer good sound advice to those people around me who are having trouble with one thing or another. But recently there was a problem that was brought before me that not even I have the solution for so I thought I would try getting a consensious of my friends opinion onthe problem so here it goes.
This person (#1) is in love with another person (#2) and he thought that they (#2) was in love with them (#1). Due to other circumstances they werent togeather although both of them are recently single. Here is the delima facing this person. This person#1 asked the other person out and they#2 said they were gonna wait because they were recently out of a relationship. Well a few days later this same person#1 brings it up again and person #2 says not yet because they are trying to make the decision with alot of consideration but later on in the conversation person #2 says that they are looking at other people out there... Ok this kinda upsets person #1 but they try not to let it be seen. Then later on person #2 tells person #1 that they #1 shoudlnt give up if #2 starts dating someone else. At this point person #1 is very hurt and feels heartbroken. They no longer believe that person #2 loves them which makes them feel even worse and #1 feels like they are being played or kept around as a relationship incase #2 cant find someone else. Person #1 still really cares for #2 but doesnt know how to take this.
Ok with this being the delima what advice would yall give to person (#1)?
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Person two is still in love with their x but needs emotional support that is all. And boy do they find it so hard to let go.
Why is it?
That anyone just because they feel that they are emotionally tied to that person. Expects loyalty and lifelong trust.
No man or woman can promise that.
Love is a gamble just like everything else in this life.
And to try to own someone just because you think you love them is both wrong, and selfish.And is not love at all.
I usually find that in life if you do not chase, or expect or demand.
It will come to you.
Love is afterall when the sex and initial planets collision has died down.
A wonderful friendship. Simply that.
But no one person should ever expect another person to belong to them because of emotional ties. It just is not human to do that.
And if you expect it of them, then there is something either phychologically wrong with that person, or emotonally unstable. -
This Is A Toughy
I say have em move on because honestly I would feel the same way. If number #2 really cared, theyd be with that person. Thats my opinion. I would feel betrayed. They may care about them but just as a friend.
z Good Luck.
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Alright thanks Annie
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I feel I understand
Being that number 2 is just coming out of a relationship number two need time to gather his thoughts .Number two wants to possible date but from what number two is saying he is just giving himself time to get number two straight and so he wont make mistakes and feels being the two of you have known one another it makes number two feel more vulnerable . Time stay friends and be there let number two know your feelings and let number two make up his own mind Patients for if love is there it will take your hand within the time needed to find his stable ground . If he goes back to the one he was with before then you must move on .But if you jump at this chance to be with him then together you both get infatuated and then he goes back hearts will be shattered .Make sure he is given the time needed to know his true heart feelings -
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That was my first advice to them being maybe that should just take the time apart. #1 is just afraid though that #2 will run off with someone else in that time.
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Simple indifferance.
Number one should look outside the box they have set for themselves, and if they find love elsewhere than perhaps person#2 wasn't meant to be. But if they let #2 go, perhaps #2 will come back, if they don't it wasn't ment to be.
The same thing applies above, to simplyfy it.
# 1 should let go and carry on his/her search for love,
maybe they will find someone who treats them with love, or even perhaps the one they are ga-ga for will come to them,
either way they need to cool their heals and back down a bit,
I am not saying forget, but simply let go, it just may not be the right time, for either of them, perhaps mingling with others will solve the dilemma. -
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Sounds like good advice thanks for the input.
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Is #1 really in love.a hard question I know but when the advisor is looking from the outside in, things become a lot clearer.The last thing someone should do after coming out of a painful relationship is too run headlong into another one.What is wrong with being single for a while.It gives the mind and spirit a time to adjust and gives the person a chance to find out who they really are.My advice would be to forget all about relationships for a while and simply enjoy being alone for a while.
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See yes thats something else I really aren't sure of. The bad thing about offering advice when you cant physically see both people.
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It seems to me that person two is enjoying their new found freedom, and perhaps playing the field again.I do not know the full circumstances of course but if I were person Number one.
I would leave well alone, because the hurt of your past relationship is still there within you. No 1# is not ready to be single again, and is looking for something to replace what they lost.Where as person 2# is having a great time! They just want to have fun, and live a little.And they know that person 1# clings because of their need to fill the space emotionally that they have lost.
Person 2# wants anything but to be reminded of a relationship that went wrong.They want to try forget. And so should number 1# because if their heart is still with someone else, but they need someone else to lay all their hearts need upon. No way does 2# need that.
My advice to number 1# is. Stop feeling sorry for themselves.
It is a big world out there, accept the loss, get over the pain! Don't look for love, or cling to anyone who shows understanding and sympathy.
Just be themselves and expect nothing emotionally from someone else just because of the feeling of loss within 1#
No one on this earth wants pain, or to be reminded of it.
Stand up number 1# and be your heart, and just enjoy life to the full when you can. Then people will come to you. It frightens people to commit to so much emotional baggage. They want happy! Not sad.
Get over it! And live!
And you know number 1# love has a nasty habit of thinking that just because it gives all of its heart to someone, it thinks it owns them!
And that is not love at all! -
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Thank you for the comment Keith
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I've read your column and the advice from other people and i have to agree with most of them, 1# should go and get a life, see other people. If 2# was really in love they would jump at the chance of another go ... believe me I've been there. I do get the impression that 1# is being kept around as a Plan B, when all else fails.
I know it hurts but love can be a bastard ... there are others out there 1# should go looking.
I hope this has helped and you can help your friend.
All the best
Sue x -
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Thanks Ms Sue.
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Persons 1 and 2 should spend time together as friends, and take the emotional pressure off each other. If they truly love each other, things will work out. Tell them both this, from me.
In answer to the comments below saying "I don't know why so-and-so doesn't do such-and-such..." It's because people are timid, unsure of themselves, and often a little bit stupid. That's why we have to be good listeners, look at people with compassion, and try to see what they're going through.
That's why I give my advice. Maybe the time they spend together could be with another mutual friend (you, SomeonesToySoldier?) so that they can relax. Invite them round to your place to hang out - your place is neutral turf for them, and they won't feel like it's a date. -
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I can try but distance between me and them as well as my work schedule and theres kinda makes it hard but I will definatly recomend your advice.
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Although it's a very difficult situation and especially because we don't know what person #2 is thinking.
I would have to suggest person #1 sees other people also and doesn't wait around for person #2.
Life's too short.
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Thanks lil
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You know what, in all honesty, if person # 2 TRULY cared about person # 1, the decision would have been automatic and they'd have said yes to person # 1 when asked the question to go out again.
It seems like (and most likely is the reason), that person # 2 would like to keep person # 1 waiting around for selfish reasons, that being for a) rebound,
to pick up the pieces when things go in the opposite direction than intended, or c) just because they know they can and to let the person down and hurt them even more then already done.
That's how I see it, because I have been # 2 before... but in my situation, I just didn't want to hurt # 1's feelings, and I was selfish in wanting them to stick around because i still wanted their friendship.
So, I am really sorry you have to go through this,
but life is way too short to sit around and wait.
I think you should move on, be happy with yourself,
and another will come along, one who will treat
you with respect and love.
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Thank you for the input Meaghan.
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I don't get why people wait for other people.
At least not in this case.
Person number two is basically asking person number one to wait for them while they go and date around. What the hell?
2 is not acting very maturly.
I would talk to 2 straight up and if they didn't give me an answer, just go on about my life.
Yeah. It hurts. But it hurts even more to stay and be confused, doesn't it?
Yes. -
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Yeah thats true but as you may see later on in life sometimes when you really care for someone it is worth waiting for them.
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Just to add to my comment. There is a rebound effect when you lose someone and many times that loss makes you want to jump right into another relationship. Rarely does the second relationship last.
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Thanks for the input Amera.
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It seems to me that person #1 should start to date other people as well. Person #1 shouldn't rub it in person number 2s face just lay off and let person number 2 make the next move. If it is meant to be it will happen.
What do ya think? -
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I'm thinking that is what they person is leaning towards.
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