A True Account of Opiate Addiction

I like to say I'm a "recovering" addict, when the fact of the matter is, I 'ain't recovering whatsoever. I don't stick needles in my arm to get out of bed anymore, but all the same, I'm addicted. Just a step down from complete and utter loss of control. You see, I've got that little bit of control, that way I can tell myself "Well, sheesh, atleast I'm not shooting up anymore!" but hell, I'm snorting, and I'm overdosing, and I'm having a grand ol' time!

You want to know what its really like? What shooting up is like? It's pure ecstacy. You could fill a syringe with water and I'd probably shoot it up, because thats just how good it is. Have I ever shoot up Heroin? No. Heroin is like Eden to me, it's something I'd give my soul for yet I've never been able to acquire. Most 18 year old girls don't go searching for heroin, heroin finds them. And it leaves them crippled. No, I am a victim of something some call a little more euphoric than heroin itself. Dilaudid. When you put 16mg (usual dose is 1mg, I worked my way up to 16mg after a week) of Dilaudid into your veins, an earth shattering orgasm floats over your body. I've read that it's like "feeling a million hugs all over your body" and thats exactly what it's like! Such warmth, love, happiness. There is nothing like it in the entire world. Man, it's probably way better than a million hugs felt simultaneously.

Do you want to know what the aftermath is like, after one goes to the end of addiction, when they have nowhere else to go? When you have nowhere to go from the needle? It is sheer hell. I have never felt anything like it, just like I've never felt anything like the ecstacy of shooting up. I paid my price. My pleasure and pain were of equal amounts, but pleasure shrinks into the darkness when compared to the hell of being dopesick. You don't even remember how good it felt. All you can do is lie in a pool of sweat and say "Please God, please, I swear, I'll never do it again. I'll be a good person, please, I promise, just let me live to see tomorrow. Let me get through these withdrawals." And you know what? God is a very unmerciful fuck. He doesn't care. He'll let you vomit all over yourself, lose control of your bowels and bladder, and he will laugh at you. Because you couldn't handle life on life's terms, you just thought you were so fucking special that you felt you deserved better than everyone else. Well, fuck you, and fuck me, I thought I deserved better than being in pain. I told my doctors, fuck you, if you can't adequately medicate me, then I will self medicate.

Honestly? I wish I'd listened to my doctors. I wish I'd accepted that I'd be in pain, rather than fight this rollercoaster of high and low. I'd give anything to not know how good it feels, to not get those cravings in the middle of the night where you feel like the drugs have your soul. Because they do, they have your soul. And they're not giving it back.

I go to Narcotics Anonymous every night, but I'm just another victim. Nobody cares about drug addicts. Everyone sees us as freeloading, homeless, pieces of shit. But you know what? I'm 18, I graduated with honors, I come from a wealthy family. I got addicted because shit fucking happened. I didn't CHOOSE this life. Nobody does! You'd be crazy to think anyone does. I got addicted because I led a life of chronic illness and surgery. I wasn't poor, looking for a way to escape the monotony of living paycheck to paycheck. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES. Next time you see a ragged man on the side of the road, have a little compassion. He didn't choose this life. This life choose him. I never wanted to be a drug addict. Nobody but a select few, mostly people I don't know personally, know I'm an addict. To admit to ex boyfriends, ex best friends, ex classmates...would be torture. Because none of them expected me. I show no signs of drug addiction. I am beautiful, full of life, well dressed. I do not look like an addict. I wear Abercombie, wear bronzer, color my hair.


But thats just the nasty thing- addiction does not discriminate. It will take your father, your best friend, your cousin, your boyfriend, your childhood buddy....it doesn't care. It will rip your life to shreds, finding new blood to feed upon. I am a normal 18 year old girl- on the outside. But on the inside, my body is waging a war with itself. It is fighting with my mind, and nobody can say for sure which way it'll go. Will I sober up, turn my life around and be a contributing member of society? Or will I fall deeper and deeper into addictions, selling everything I have, stealing from loved ones, giving up what is most dear to me? Nobody knows. I've lied, cheated and stealed to get my fix. When is enough, enough? Will I ever feel so regretful, so guilty, that I'll change? Who knows. It may seem strange to you, that I don't know, and can't say either way. But thats the probem- I have absolutely no control over this. Like I said, these drugs own my soul. They dictate my every move. I have no say in this, my hopes and wishes fall by the wayside.

I wish I could say I'm doing good. I wish I could say I'm bettering myself. But at this point, I just get drunk every night to fight away withdrawals. I wish this story had a happy ending. But they never do. Drugs don't come with happy endings. They either kill you literally, or just kill your soul, your dreams, your ambitions. They have taken everything from me. My family cannot trust me, my friends are sick of me, but most of all, I am sick of myself.