I go to work this morning to sign-off on the med sheets. Wouldn't you know, here comes the black cloud of life...The ex. "Shoulda worked with me, I don't bite. I knew something bad was gonna go down with you over there. Was it worth it to ignore me?" Now the nurse in me smiled, but the bitch in me said "well, if I did work with you..I'd be the one hanging. I prefer death to standing in your company. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pretend you continue to not exist..maybe it will be you who hangs next or maybe I'll just choke you now and do everyone the favor". He says "you are so cute standing here all mad". So I replied " your so cute the way you act like this doesn't hurt"..as I took his hand and jabbed it with my pen. "still cute?" I smile. He looks at me like i'm crazy and I say " you are so cute standing here all mad" I drop the pen at his feet and tell him in the most lady like way i know how..."speak to me again, once more...and I will make those words your last, hurting you will be like an orgasm for me..but I think you already know that"...yeah I know..I crossed the line. I shoulda just walked away but how dare he imply that I suck and if I were anywhere else, Cathy would be alive. That girl broke my heart. How fucking dare he. If he had said anything else I would have certainly ignored him but..If someone kicks me while I'm down or backs me into a corner..I will strike, anyway..everyway I can. You just don't say shit like that and expect me to stay calm. Maybe he was right, but still. I take my job seriously and would have gone to hell and back to save her, to save any of them. Because I'm not sure of almost anything but the one thing I have always been sure of is- nothing else matters if your not ok in the head....Life is heavy. And if I can sit there for minutes, hours, or days to make someone see that they are going to be better, not ok-not fine-but just better...I will gladly do this. These people are lost,as am I. We are all lost to ourselves at sometime. It just easier when its not alone. So I don't care what any of them think, ( my coworkers) I will continue to sit with my patients at dinner, play cards with them, talk to them about imaginary ppl...What ever it takes..How would they feel if life did this to them? Fuck them. Sorry for the rant folks.
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I consider you a true nurse...one with heart. The fact that you not only spend time with your patients, but care for them as you do puts a big smile on my face because it tells me that not all people work for just the money.
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When I was 17 I went into drug induced psychosis. I had gotten strung out on meth amphetamine, in a hellish cycle of up for 3 days, sleep for one, up for five days sleep for two. After so long of clogging dopamine reuptake receptors, the body begins to synthesize much less dopamine. That is not good for a human being.
A bust of a number of dealers forced me to quit for a while, and about a week after that a new batch of acid came into town on white blotter paper, everyone called it "white puff". I can't remember how much I took, but I CAN remember losing all sense of who I was and where I was from. Acid is a seratonin reuptake inhibitor, and my dopamine deprived body and mind just couldn't handle it. I felt like everyone was a piece of the universal mind, and the universal mind was playing a trick on me. I cried so hard wandering the streets, staring into people's eyes and looking for depth and love. Some people got freaked out, but others stared right back, while a handful even had tears well up in their eyes, older people, because my inner anguish was etched on my face so keenly. Anyway, ny mom convinced me to sign myself in for evaluation, and I did. The doctors didn't help, the meds didn't help, but one male Nurse named Jerry would sit and eat breakfast with me every morning. His kindness helped me snap out of the psychosis. I haven't had a recurrence since then. So I appreciate your care for your patients.
"Nurse Addiction, where are my cigarettes?!".... "Nurse Addiction, a flaming blue serpent just crawled inside my spine, could you get it out for me?"... -
I have an idea of what you are talking about---I deal with Veterans that are dieing, their widows and children. A lot of the time my Veterans just to talk to someone whose been through the same shit that they are going tgrough. All it cosrs is a bit of time.
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you are such a beautiful being with a hint of spite in you and thats a good thing, i wish you sat at my table and chatted to my imaginarys theres plenty off them. good work nurse. you never fail to arouse something in me!
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while stabbing someone at a job site is a little extreme i think it made you message real. no one has a right to speak to anyone like that. it's a good thing that asshole is your ex. and its good you're keeping it that way. its freaking harassment to say that shit about one's patients.
its good that you care. its nurses that CARE that make the DIFFERENCE!
thanks for caring.
sorry for your loss.
peace
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