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My bad.

03-23-09

I woke up today, rather early. 8 a.m. Didn't even light a smoke as I set off for my morning walk.


I was restless, and had no idea why.




And then it hit me.




All this time, I've been 'sitting on my ideas like bad eggs'. I've had this thirst for life and felt defeated when others I shared my life with, didn't feel the same love or need to be something more than themselves. I counted on them to prepare me for my inevitable downfall.




And with the birds singing, and with the music playing, I can't help but think, am I really the best I can be?



No. It's a neverending project toward enlightenment, improvement. I've learned to love my vessel, not abuse it. I've learned to take each breath of air as a god send. I've learned to not hate those who have wounded me. Because pitying those select naive few is worse than anything else these hands are capable of.




It was my bad in the beginning, anyway. Expecting a lowly man to make me feel like more of a woman. Ridiculous! I have always been this strong and beautiful and adventurous. I just allowed myself to be dumbed down by people who didn't care either way, how their day ended or how it started.




'Give me music. Give me art. Give me good food. Give me self-discipline, I said to the face staring back at me from the mirror. Things have never been this clear, they've never felt so real.'


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Comments

  • HelloMyNameIsJesus
    April 4
    Edit | Reply
    there's something in your writing that i really like, something that's real. i like the fact that you recognize your flaws and your strengths, and you are in tune with how you are feeling while retaining your own sense of personal responsibility for your emotions and avoiding self-pity.


    • Saraesa
      April 4
      Edit | Reply
      Hey, Ryan. Once again, thanks for commenting.
      I'm glad you see what I am after here, which is mostly, admitting I was wrong to think I couldn't fix myself up or stand being with just myself. I'm glad that self-pity doesn't rear its ugly head, here. I always try to avoid that since with these subjects, it's not hard to slip up with that.

      I appreciate your input, thanks again.

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