Normality

I think I'm finally starting to realise.
This is not normal.
Most people don't have the daily fear when they wake up, 'how will he be today?'
Most people don't skip school to try to placate their boyfriends schizophrenic demons.
Most people don't know anything about schizophrenia full stop..
When I look at my friends with their boyfriends, I see what it is that I should have with him. Carefree fun and flirtation, nights out and nights in, touch.
I will never have that with him. He's too mad to meet, to violent for me to be with.
So I live my life through a mobile phone, in order that I can live my life with him.
And yes, I love him. He is my best friend, my first love, the one person, ironically, who keeps me sane. He has been the most important person in my life for the best part of 3 years. He has hurt me and I have hurt him. More importantly, he has loved me. He has shown me that, sometimes, I can be beautiful, and that sometimes, I can be worth something. So usually I can push all the bad stuff aside, because it's not his fault, and be happy to be with him.
But sometimes I hate him. I hate him for not letting me have the normal teenage life that has been granted to everyone else. I hate him for his power over me, his manipulation. I hate him, because he has lived, though now he is a prisoner, and he's keeping me captive with him. I hate him because he fucks other people and won't allow me to. I hate him because he makes me feel guilty for going out with my friends. I hate him because I miss him when I do. I hate him because he makes me eat, to make him happy. I hate him because I fight the urge to sleep for hours every night, because he gets panicky when I leave. I hate him, because despite it all, I love him. Totally unconditionally. And I know that really I only have myself to blame, because I chose him after all.