Journal #2

I did it. I surpassed my expected limit of one journal entry.

What do you do when you see everyone your age getting married and starting families?
And you're left feeling alone and maybe even bitter in a sick jealous way.

I don't know what my purpose is, but as I get older I seem to realize that I can do the things I've always wanted to do. I realize that I am actually an adult capable of doing whatever I please, and I gain a certain understanding of doing what I'm meant to do.
The downside to age is that as it progresses I feel less capable of doing these things.
It's sounds like some sort of sick joke; The more I realize i can do things, the less capable I feel I can do them.

There are times when I see my friends and colleagues (and it's impossible to relate to this unless you are over the age of 25, so don't try). There are times when I see them and i get this overwhelming sense of jealousy that they're so far head, and I get disappointed in myself because I feel like I failed. They have careers, lives and families. All the things we were all taught to have when we were grown up. I have none of these things. I have my couch a handful of friends and a place to stay.

I guess in the grand scheme of things I could be worse off, but i still feel like I'm missing some crucial part, and as time passes I feel it's slipping further and further from my grasp. As each new sun sets another 'what if' slips under my belt, and I feel the pull even stronger to do something. This list of doubt, I fear, will continue to grow until it is capable of spanning the universe I want so badly to explore.

And I'm afraid I'll never be able to cross things off that list as I walk across the universe.