I hate how much I ruin things. What do i do that makes everyone hate me? And why am I still confused to who i am? I'm a loser, by choice. Or am I? Many people think that I'm "weird" before they get to know me. But once they do get to know me a little they realize that I'm not so bad. But when you really get to know me on a personal level, you realize what you have just gotten yourselves into. I could be the bestest friend you ever could have...or I could be the biggest bitch in your life. And don't get me wrong when i say bitch i dont mean the typical in-your-face type of bitch. I mean I could mess up your life and you wouldn't even know that I did anything. Also when you get to know me you realize that I'm a psychopath. Well...I wouldnt exactly say "psychopath" Lets just say I have a major problem. I dont know what it is nor does anyone else, but i dont know who i am. Let me give you an example. Like when im smoking a ciggarette on my roof. I'm lost in the moment. If my parents walked in my room and caught me....what would i do? I dont even think about that. It never will happen, but when its just me. I'm in another world, my own world. A place where for a whole 2 minuutes I can relax and be me for once. I only wish that moment of peace would never end, but then I go back to the real world. The one in which I very much so dislike. And I have moments where i hate everyone on it as well. My worst memories eat me inside out. And yet i am forced to live here. I'm an outsider here, and I just want to leave. But I'm stuck...How I wish I had the guts to do it. I know that if i had 10 of those drinks I'd be gone. And every night as I drank too much I could feel the pain in my head and my heart is irregurlar off beat. And it feels so fast...and slow. And my mind is a mess. I barely remember what i did last night. If only, if only. I want to be somewhere else do something that matters. Now let me go back into reality and tell you before i forget. My day already done for. I don't want to be touched for some reason. I push her away from me when all she wants is to tell me that she loves me and give me a hug. And yet I push her away as if nothing in this world matters. When in my heart I love her. And now I regret my action as if it is the end of the world. I am emotional. And...she is my mother. And I love her..but why not do i show this roaring love. But instead an unhonest disrespect. Why must i say and do those things? Is it because of my hurt on the inside the feeling that she was never here....because she wasn't and she's so stressed that some of it partially rubs off on me. For her actions from mine she talks to our poor dog who is growing sad by the mood put in the atmosphere. She talks to him on purpose talking about me. While I'm right there. That way she doesnt have to say it to me directly. When she talks to him she is saying how ill never go to college and I'm into drugs and that I don't love her. And that since I don't love her she is gonna leave me and dad. That hurts me to the point to where i dont want to breathe. I want to die. You may think "how can those few words hurt that much" or critisize me. But i dont care. That hurts me to the point where i don't want to breathe. I dont want to live. Oh God please help me. Where have I gone. For I have left your side and I'm wandering on a path of evil and I need your guidence. I dont want to do this anymore. I need you. The only thing that loves me may actually be non existant. And yet I put my faith into that. I may be "weird" or whatever, but I'm making a new start for myself and for everyone that i have hurt. It's time to be the person i want to be. For once in my life i'm gonna be me.
Add your comment
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Aww...well thanks. I missed you right now!!! But ill come and pick you up tommorow.
-
Aww...well thanks. I missed you right now!!! But ill come and pick you up tommorow.
-
Aww...well thanks. I missed you right now!!! But ill come and pick you up tommorow.
-
Aww...well thanks. I missed you right now!!! But ill come and pick you up tommorow.
-
Aww...well thanks. I missed you right now!!! But ill come and pick you up tommorow.
-
Aww...well thanks. I missed you right now!!! But ill come and pick you up tommorow.
-
aww!
Meryl. Darling. That really made me think. that your mom is a total bitch. who dare es says that to their child? that is both cruel and stupid. and i love you. i just may show it a little differently.
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
Recent Journals
-
1-4-08 10: I find it odd that i can't sleep, for i am so mentally tired. My stomach hurts and I dont know what to do. I have school 2 morow. It will be the first day of school since after Christmas break. Why couldn't there be more vacation? I haven't had time to relax...I need some down time. I'm worried for myself.on Feb 27 11:20 PM, 600 words. → Make first comment?
-
Why does life have to be so fucking hard. We used to be so tight. But back then I was so Then you left me...and I became happy. Stopped all that negativity It felt so amazing But I missed you so much Now we're getting tight again Like old times.... And I'm falling back into that depression I dont want to have to chon Feb 27 11:11 PM, 200 words. → 2 comments, Add one?
-
Damn. I think that I'm literally going crazy...like fer realz. My only hope in life anymore is my ultimate dream....to have kids. And raise a family. Also my wifey helps motivate me.... But lately people just cant stop throwing things in my face. All my flaws. I know I'm not perfect and I'm ok with that...but thereon Feb 27 11:06 PM, 300 words. → 2 comments, Add one?
-
Friday Nov. 28 , 2008 10:06 Well today I told my parents that I was going to Seren's and me DeSean, Seren, and Gatlyn went to Elkton to go and see Travis. It was the best time ever! We went and picked up Travis chased sum of his friends around...then went back to this one guy's apartment and chilled for a wile. Hison Feb 27 11:03 PM, 300 words. → Make first comment?
-
Saturday November 29, 2008 9: Well first of all I got up at 10:00 so me and Sen could go to the wellness center this morning. We had lots of fun workin out. Hehe. Then at twelve Sen got this ramdom idea that we should go to Brookings to a movie. So we went home and showered and then I got my mom to say yes. It was oon Feb 27 11:00 PM, 300 words. → Make first comment?
-
I love this girl more than words can define...And it hurts so bad to read this and know that she is hurting...and i want to help her so bad but she wont let im like...literally dying inside. everything is so fucked up at the moment. and last night..i was staying at erns house with ky and HE called. and i heard hison Feb 9 8:02 PM, 400 words. → Make first comment?
