I want to motivate myself more. I am disgusted with what feels like being submerged in mud and gravel.
My old friend, David, always said it was this town. He's quite right in that deduction. I'd have to walk about four miles to get onto paved concrete, the rest is dirt. And then, there's a long trek into town. The railroad tracks mark a half-way point in everyone's mind. It's not like a city, where you can walk or take a short ride to where you have to go. And since I have always been terrified of getting my license, it's pure hassle.
I've walked and skated along that familiar path with old friends who either grew out of me or of what they were when I first decided I treasured them.
I had been thinking of just riding my bike to the boardwalk, as I had no problem last Summer spending my days there, in and out of the water. Enjoying and observing. Then I remembered it had been stolen last summer when I made the mistake of leaving it in the trailor park, where a phantom friend of mine lived.
There is something to be said about adjusting and how well I seem to adapt. But that doesn't mean I feel that to be satisfying, I want to do more with this beginning.
I wanted to feel the way I did when I was younger and it turns out, that's the problem. It requires so many steps backwards that I don't spend nearly enough time in the 'now' of things.
Now, looking back on all the lives I've lived already, how they all seem separate and unique and worth it and a complete waste of time has me sighing when I allow myself to wander back to those days. I am not one for being alone.
I see it this way because spending time with different people means different ideas of self and surroundings. I learn from people, I want to know all that I can. And I've been lucky enough to get close and have my eyes opened to wonderful sights and sounds by these people.
In a journal entry of mine from last year, I came across the line, 'But just living with myself? I drive myself crazy as it is. It seems impossibly hard'.
It's healthy to go out with a friend to the movies, or dinner, or the bar. Whatever works for those involved but it is unhealthy to depend completely on those meetings, as I have begun to realise. So I will do those sorts of activities, here and there but I'm really taken with this concept lately.
For the first time in my life, the only thing I must do is figure out myself. Work on me. I've been experiencing so much, bouncing back from polar opposites, partying, wanting to escape that I've grown frustrated with how I deal with what I've experienced.
I believe it's time I've explored this healing process rather than just running back. Maybe my self-motivation will pay off and I'll figure out what is the most important to me. Maybe I'll have more hope for things to go right.
(And yes, thanks to Sam for the concern and the direction.)
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