The ONE and ONLY TInkerbell

1-4-08 10:50
I find it odd that i can't sleep, for i am so mentally tired. My stomach hurts and I dont know what to do. I have school 2 morow. It will be the first day of school since after Christmas break. Why couldn't there be more vacation? I haven't had time to relax...I need some down time. I'm worried for myself...That I am getting worse...I feel worse. I feel sick everyday, but I don't want parents to worry. Is it possible that I'm dying? Somedays I think I am. I feel like at all times my brain is on overload. Can't focus or concentrate on anything. I'm in constant worry or depression. I hate it. There is a state of mind that I go in and it's so panicked. I feel like I'm so confused that I don't know what to do...So I cry for hours until I recover and then I seem to get happy or relieved. Not a great overwhelming feeling, but a little one. You'd think that I'd be happy for I live a satisfying life. I have so much that others don't...It makes me feel guilty all the time...that I'm depressed when there are people out there with so little thatn what I have. I scold myself and say "be happy" you should be happy...but I never seem to be these days. I don't have big problems that cause me to be depressed, its just random. I feel like I shouldn't be depressed or feel that way or my parents will treat me differently...I musn't tell them. But I will have to eventually...Because I CANT go on living like this. NO ONE should feel the way I do. 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I'm trying to figure out when this all started...but I can't. As far as I know nothing could have caused this recently. I mean there is always the past...maybe that's why. Recently some incidents have happened that have caused me to break down, because it reminded me of the past. It's a scary thought. I need someone to help me. As much as I hate to say it. I've never felt like this before...ever. And it's getting to the point where it's uncontrollable. I'm really bitchy and people are starting to see that there is something wrong. I explode for no reason...In the middle of class I'l start balling. It's completely making me an unattractive person...nobody wants to be around a bitch.That's what I am half the time. It hurts me to know that what i say to people now makes them hate me...and it's not my fault...It's not me.It's ME. The real me is hurt and depressed and angry. It gets stronger by the minute and harder to cover up...until you can't hide it anymore and your friends don't even understand. All you want is someone that will listen and not jusge you or tell the world...you need a friend...a real one. The one that truley cares and will always be there. I'm hoping that Seren will be that friend. I've recently realized that she has probs. too. And she needs me as much as I need her. It's funny...I don't think she realizes how much I care about her. Honestly I care about her more than I have any of my friends my whole life. She doesn't know that when she smiles it brightens my whole day...and I son't feel like crying anymore. I love her...I would do ANYTHING for her. And if one day something were to happen to her I would die inside and NEVER be the same. She to me is worth dying over. She is in my eyes perfect...and I would never want her to be anything but herself. "To be in love with someone is to take a person with flaws and see them perfectly" I haven't seen her in at least 9 days. I need to see her. I've missed her so much that i can't event tell you how I feel. I just can't wait till 2morow when I see her smiling and give her the biggest hug. I missed her hugs and being with her 24/7.