I may not understand

Right at this exact moment that I'm typing this (9:56PM) it has been Six months and Thirteen hours since my dear friend Sarah passed away in a car accident. I'm not trying to make this sad and somber, please bear with me, I must add in the backstory. For the first two months, until October 27th 2008, I was in shock and denial of the fact. I didn't believe that it had happened, I live about an hour from my dearest friend Amanda (Bella)'s house (Amanda is Sarah's older sister, and my best friend, my sister.), and so not seeing Sarah for two months wasn't all that odd. However, on Oct. 27th, I finally realized that she was gone.
With that realization came the terrible pain, real, physical pain, that tore me apart whenever her name was mentioned, or when I saw her picture. This pain overwhelmed me, and I cried myself to sleep more than once in the following months.
Within the last week or so, it hasn't been as bad, probably because I'm actually listening to God again, and not directing my anger at Him. My friends, Bella (mentioned above) and Lily (who lost her father a little more than a year ago), asked me to go with them to the last GriefShare class. This class focused on Heaven, and what it's like for our loved ones there. (I don't want to get into a Theology debate, but I believe that ONLY people who have called upon the name of Jesus to be Saved can go to Heaven. I know for a fact that both Sarah and Mr. John (Lily's father), had done this. I WILL see both of them again.)
The GriefShare video talked about how often we would trade anything to bring our Loved one back, but that we don't understand how wonderful it is there for them, and that even if they had the choice to come back, they wouldn't. Basically it was saying, "Don't keep bartering with God to bring them back. They're happy up there." Well, this hit home, in a major way. Ever since the accident had happened, I had been bartering with God to let Sarah be alive, and I'd do anything He wanted me to do. I had heard the story of that girl, Whitney, or whatever her name is, the whole mistaken identity thing. I kept begging God, bartering with Him, to let that be the case.
However, when I heard this lesson, I knew I had to stop. I started crying, right there in the class, which is weird for me, since I don't EVER cry. Not anymore. (Sure, once in awhile when my mother and I are yelling at each other. She's the only one who can make me cry...) I couldn't keep begging God, and essentially Sarah to let this all be a mistake.

Anyways, that's not even the point of this... I got off on a tangent, and I apologize for it.

I've been feeling this calm around me all day today. I mean, when I woke up this morning I prayed and said, "God, thank You for letting us here on Earth have Her for sixteen years, and thank You for taking her home to You, thank You for sparing her the pain of living here on Earth." (Sarah had Junior Rheumatoid Artharitis, JRA, which caused her a great deal of pain everyday.)
We may not understand why God allows things, but it all happens for a purpose, and even though we can't see the purpose, God can. While we just see the knots and snarles behind the tapestry, God sees the other side, the whole, beautiful picture.
God knows whats best for us, and He does what's right. We don't always understand, in fact, we rarely do.

The thought I'd like to leave you with is this: "No matter what happens, God is still God. Nothing can break that. And God NEVER leaves us, He's always with us, good times, bad times, He's always there for us. We just need to call out to Him, and He'll carry us through. Sometimes we turn our back on Him, and forget about Him, and then when things get rough, and we don't see Him, we ask Him, "Where'd You go?" God's answer is always the same, "My child, I didn't go anywhere. You left Me." "



To anyone who has lost someone, if you ever just want to talk, whether it's about that person, or about something entirely different, shoot me a message. I'm almost always available, and I will stay up into the depths of the night if you need me to.