Living in the nothingness (2-15-09) near midnight

I’m living in a reality that doesn’t seem real. I’ve spent most of my life in my own little world because my life was so unbearable that it was just easier that way but now… now none of this makes any sense anymore. I thought I’d feel free once I got out from under my parents roof but I don’t I feel trapped and I’m beginning to realize that I may never find a place where I belong and maybe I’m just destined to be misplaced my entire life.

Its not the I’m all alone in the world feeling like it use to be because I’m not all alone, at least not most of the time. Growing up my parents just kind of dumped me and my little brother on any babysitter that would take a violent and compulsive boy and a nearly-blind, withdrawn girl. I never had friends because every time I managed to make any we’d just move. We moved fifteen times in the eighteen years I lived at home and I suppose after a while I just cut all those people off and me and my brother clung to each other. That sense of being alone, where I actually am alone, that made sense to me. That I could handle.

This, this feeling of being alone while I’m surrounded by people is foreign to me. It’s not the ‘stuck in the middle of the country miles from any other house all day while mom and dad at are work’ aloneness, or the ‘stay the hell out of the babysitters way’ aloneness that I grew up with, it’s different. I want all these people to go away, I want them to vanish into nothingness and leave me in this world on my own. I want to be alone, left only to my mind and myself, with no one to be afraid of, no one to avoid, and no one to try and help me when I don’t want help. I just want the emptiness to go away.

People keep telling me that it’s not normal to have no feeling or need for companionship, that my absence of trust is worrying, and that it shouldn’t be so easy for me to let go of people and let them fall away. But… it is, it just is. I don’t miss anyone, not my family, not Katie (my only friend), not my grandma, aunts, cousins, or the boy I thought was my friend who turned on me. I just let them go, just let them fall away into the grayness of my overwhelmed and darkened memory.

Katie says that when she moves out and comes to join me at the University she’s going to miss her dog because she’s gotten so close to him (she got in a chemical accident as a child and couldn’t be around people for years because her immune system was fried). I have a dog, Bazi, and he is attached to me, when I come home on breaks he clings to me, lays on my feet, climbs up on the couch and curls up against me, but I don’t miss him. Every time we moved my parents got rid of most of the pets, most of those were mine. I use to get upset but then I just turned away, I just let them go, there was no point when I knew it was just going to happen again. Amanda, lucky, silvy, Hercules, Hunter, Loki, Oy… they came and they went, some I can no longer remember. I don’t miss them.

It’s the same with people, when I was younger I use to try and grab on to people (especially adults) as though they could somehow keep me forever and I wouldn’t have to leave, then when my parents threw all our stuff in a moving truck I’d cry and cry and cry even months afterwards, I’d cry myself to sleep, wake up crying, cry at school, then the wounds would start to heal and we’d move again. I have so many scars now but I think they’ve all healed or at least scabbed over. Now, now I just can’t build relationships. Katie’s my friend, sure, but if she died tomorrow I wouldn’t shed a tear, she just another person, she’ll go soon enough like the rest of them: Maria, Season, Heather, Dori, Ashley, Jessica, Jennifer, they were all short lived friendships and they all left. Everyone leaves, they all leave, I’m use to this.

I can handle being alone when I am truly alone; when there is no one else there I can handle it but not like this. I can hear my roommate in the living room talking on the phone and it makes me feel like I’m not there. I feel distant from people like there is an invisible wall between us, a wall that separates us not only physically but emotionally. Sometimes just hearing the voice of another person, hearing their laughter, it makes me mad. I try to stay away from people as much as I can because if I’m around them too much I get angry and want to hurt them, to kill them even, because I don’t understand them… I don’t fucking understand!

I feel so empty like I have no soul. I have no dreams, no ambitions, nothing. I’m an English major but I don’t really know what it is I plan to do with that major, I don’t really care. I just didn’t want to take another science class. I do not dream at night and I do not dream by day, I have no hopes, no ambitions, nothing. While getting published would be nice I don’t long for it, I don’t dream of seeing my name in print, or of having a book I wrote clasped in my hands, if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.

I’m so empty that even my thoughts of suicide had died to ash, there’s no point to it anyway. Sure, if I died no one would give a damn except for a few online individuals I talk with, but if there is an afterlife them I’m just moving from one realm of reality to another and I have enough trouble telling what’s real in this reality. Maybe if I stay here long enough I’ll just become completely numb and so use to the nothingness that it will be normal like the crying when I was little. Just keep moving with the current and eventually I’ll adapt or die.

Sorry, you probably didn’t want to know all that pointless shit about my confusing and depressive life… I just felt like venting.