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Why am I up at 4.03am again?


I've been mostly on days for a few months now but, once in a while, I 'push against social margins' and fall into late night meanderings. Not this late though - not for sometime now.

It's prolly just a down turn moment, but I'm feeling more cut-off from AP than I have for sometime. Part of it is not being on (current moment aside) in time zones where most of those I'd talk to dwell; another part is that I've been getting out into daylight as much as possible, to fight my 'now official - grrr' depression shit; and another yet is that I don't work so well here anymore - my, never all that rampant, commenting has receded further and, as is the way with any social network, if you don't give you don't get ... add the simple truth that I haven't written anything comment worthy for some time now.

I'm seriously thinking of leaving. I can't afford anything past a free account anymore (don't ask - but just let me offer you this hard-leanred advise ... please, don't ever get emoey and dare the universe to find you a lower point than - what you thought - was bottom. The universe is nothing if not up for a challenge) - see, I can still smile - heh.

Anyway - this isn't posted as some attention-zealous plea. Just offer some insight, so that people - any that might be out there and remember me (joke people, joke) - don't worry too much if/when I vanish.

*hugs to all what wants 'em*

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  • Suzanne Dia
    February 19
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  • transcendental baby gold member
    February 13
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    What do you mean ... you've been writing some great stuff! But hon, you can't rely on the validation and praise from other people to keep you writing. They're all busy doing and dealing with their own shit, and they may feel that you've abandoned them as well. It is true ... you do get what you give as far as comments go. Why should you expect anything else. Giving 10 point worthy comments is hard work after all Now I'll bet your friends will come back around when you feel ready to start communicating again. You've opened the door here by telling folks what's going on with you and asking for some understanding ... but hon, you aren't the only depressed bitch on here You got the balls to fight it though, don't ya? You can't be a strong ass woman without um You might as well stay a stupid man if you're going to be a dumb dead woman. Sorry ... tough love is all I know when it comes to whiny women who aren't me. You take care of yourself and remember that life ain't easy for ANYBODY! You're the only one who lives in your own shoes though, and you're the only one who can make them fit.

    What's wrong with the free account if it gives you a place for release? Ain't that what this place is for ... to write?


    • EvilKate
      February 13
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. I did not intend to come over as all wah wah wah. Seriously, I was simply pondering was all. The "don't get unless you give" thing was an observation in honesty not a complaint about said culture. I guess my issue is that the points have never mattered to me. When/as they get high I generally give them away in lump sums. Several times I have handed 30K+ to people I know will use them better than I would. So it wasn't a complaint per se.

      As for being dead ... no ... not me. The stuff behind the mood is not something I want to hand around too widely, because I don't want to be seen by the labels it would engender (in some) - but it was quite nasty and has taken a few years to be capable of acknowledging.

      The cut off thing is more a comment on missing those I'd chat to in IM than any comment based communication. More than anything it's a timezone thing so just something I gotta get past.

      As for the writing 'great stuff' - I'm not looking for the validation of others there ... it's a personal view and one I think many wannabe's and aspirings wander from time to tme: that a piece is not good if I, as the author, don't feel it is. I've had things not place that I 'knew' were good and it wasn't an issue that they didn't place. Likewise, I've had things win Gold when I didn't think I was quite there, that I hadn't gotten them to the point I was striving toward.

      So it's a range of things and I really wasn't trying to sound complainy - more just leaving something, by way of an attempt at explanation, for those who might miss me if I do vanish.

      Anyway - this reply is longer then the initial entry, so I'll stop there.


  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    February 12
    Edit | Reply

    You know, you can't tell people not to worry, those who will, will, it's the way it works, and this medium is likely, if not absolutely, the worst when it comes to that. There's no way to ever 'know' what happened, if you know what I mean?

    Sometimes I think that's why people shy away from becoming close on the net and keep some modicum of distance .. a way to keep themselves from facing that non-resolving question of what ever happened to so and so....

    I ramble of course, as always
    *hugs* back..

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