From Ted1
"This Christmas, let's put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass."2
From Carol3
To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity4
1. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.5
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.6
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, as if they want fries with that.7
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.8
5. In the Memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijanua"9
6. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.10
7. Specify that your Drive-Through order is To Go.11
8. When the money comes out of the ATM machines, scream "I Won! I Won!"12
9. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "run for your lives! They're loose!!!"13
10. Tell your children over dinner that 'due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."14
15
From Carol16
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree...17
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious with her head bleeding!18
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks up his wife and begins trudging down the road. 19
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.20
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts out "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"21
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"22
Bob brings his wife inside.23
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistance may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."24
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. 25
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."26
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are dead.27
The Hill's deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.28
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab, tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit upright!29
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory...30
He bursts in and shouts to his master --31
"Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"32
33
From Carol34
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners.35
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 36
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.37
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.38
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.39
5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 40
6. Foreploy: Any misinterpretation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.41
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painting very, very high.42
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.43
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intraveneously when you are running late.44
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.45
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.46
12. Decafalon (n.) - The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.47
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.48
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter than they are when they come at you rapidly.49
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.50
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast out.51
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.52
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supplu alternate meanings for common words. 53
And the winners are:54
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.55
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.56
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.57
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.58
5. Will-Nilly, adj. Impotent59
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.60
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.61
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.62
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.63
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.64
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.65
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified dearing adopted by proctologists.66
13. Pokemon, n. A rastafarian proctologist.67
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversations with yiddishisms.68
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.69
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jews.
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Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I like MLIA better, but this was also amusing...
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lol
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miss you
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sorry i haven't been around lately.
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omg. xD
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Ooooh. I likee your new author pic. Pritteeee. Mesmeriiiiizzzzzzing.......
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haha. thankies.
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