moving out of this house

It dosnt really feel real, well these things never do I suppose. Woaw theres just so much about this house, 3 Portland RD. I guess this is the last night I will sleep here. So many memories...the horrid magority are bad, but if I dare reminise further to my earlier memories of being in this house, when I was really young my memories were quiet happy and pleasant. It saddens me to think that things are no longer how they were, no matter how much I tell myself
"Be strong keep your chin up and move on because reality tells you a diffrent story than what you want and you can't just mope around crying about it" But I also know the first step of getting over anything is always acceptance...
For example as much as I hate myself for admitting this I am still in love with Charles, but if it is not so then why oh why am I so furious and hurt by him1

I spose I never really ever did accept that my father had found a new woman and decided to start a new life with her. As much as it seems a stupid thing for me to get upset about cause after all it has been 6 years already. Well I supposed I accepted it enough to repress love for my Mum and have room to replace her with my step mother. 2

My house well Its not really mine for much longer...when I lived in other countries my houses would always change, but my english adress would remain constant always
3 Portland Rd3

I don't suppose christmas will ever be the same if its not in this house. Well it hasnt been the same for about 6 years...
Christmas day always does feel like a dream nowadays...4

In many respects I will be very glad to move from here
I will be able to stop boarding well at first I spose I should be a flexi
But I would have more freedom living at home, boarding at the mount really really sucks
I spose I will be closer to Llewy and I will be able to see my friends more oftern
....But my fucking god I hate this town...well I spose not as much as a year ago or so. I used to be terrified of leaving the house incase I would bump into sombody from Northfleet, now I couldnt care less even if I do they dont recognise me.
Alot of them I don't even remeber and I catch their eye and we share the same expression that clearly poses the question "do I know you from somwhere?" Always very breif as I look away and think "well even if we got on theres no point in talking to them I am never going to see them again anyhow"5

The streets in this town, woaw when I walk in them I remember how alone and isolated I used to feel and I would listen to my i-pod and I felt strong, even though I had litertly NOONE I never let them see me weak ever.
I would save my tears for my pillow and the coldplay music on my laptop. 6

My god if these walls could speek they could tell you the story of my life. I lost my virginity in this house...at the ripe age of 14.
But yes of course the arguments that have occured in this house
In this house there is always my mother in an argument afterall she is the one who usually starts them.
First of all I remember being 9 and I would try to listen to my parents downstairs shouting, well my mother shouted, my father never usually shouts. Then a few years later my Brother and my Mum would row in the kitchen and somtimes I would deliver eachother messages if they were in diffrent rooms.
And then my brother moved out and now I am old enough to have the delight of having these arguments with her. One I will never forget were she claimed that she did everything for me (cook, clean ect ect) and my father does fuck all for me he dosnt even feed me and I still think the sun shines out of his arse and she thought that if she didnt feed me I would love her more than I do 7

This left me guilty....
Well I don't really suppose she will know that I do love her even though she can be an annoying cow at times. I mean yesterday she yelled at me cause I lost some parcel tape. she said she was ashamed to call me her daughter and that I am selfish and pathetic and that I love Dad more than her. Anybody else would have had a normal reaction and been all "oh its okay you can go back tomorrow to go get it back" but no she is a bit fucking mental. 8

Its just...woaw...it dosnt feel at all like I am actually moving. I have walked the streets I know so well and yet I hate so much, it all feels as if it is a dream because if I feel the reality of it all great saddness will wash over me and my head is too afraid of me getting hurt to let me feel anything.
Especially this....
This is my last night in this house.
Sleep well everyone
Love you all xxxx