truths from an anorexic - please read

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First off, this is not about me. I am not anorexic. So you don't have to worry there. I received this today in an e-mail and was asked to share it with people, and so I am. I pray that this will change your life and if you are struggling with eating disorders, that this will show you that there is hope. And if you have had thoughts about doing this or are currently in the middle of this battle, please please do not hesitate to tell me. I would spread it around and make gossip out of it - that isn't beneficial to anyone. However, I will pray for you every day and be here whenever you need someone to talk to. Plus, you can send me a message if you want and we can talk about it.2

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truths from an anorexic5

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Some people say it’s an imaginary issue; that it doesn’t actually exist, but I know better. Some people use it to classify others as desperate, attention whores, or freaks. Some people call it a disorder, a mental illness, a disease as curable as the flu or the chicken pox, but not me. I know better. I’ve experienced her firsthand. I’ve fallen for her lies. I’ve danced to her melody, felt her chilling embrace and longed for more. Her words are as sweet as honey, promising beauty, happiness, and perfection. She is not simply a disease to me; she’s more than a disorder. She’s real, death personified. A monster.8

I was a freshman when I met her. I wasn’t ugly. I wasn’t fat. Five feet, two inches and one-hundred and thirteen pounds. I don’t know what exactly made me listen to her. Maybe it was my unsatisfied curiosity that drew me in close to her. I’d heard all about her and how dangerous she could be, but she didn’t look so dangerous to me. I was so naive then. I let my finger meet my throat for the first time. I tested the waters, waded out as deeply as I could go, and had my fill, swearing I’d never dance with her again. I had no idea of the drug I’d just taken. I had no idea of the addiction that would be my consequence. I had no idea of the monster I’d just welcomed in. 9

I wish somebody had told me the truth about her, how once you have a taste, you can’t stop. I wish somebody had told me how she masquerades about in innocence, that she hides her true identity beneath a veil of harmlessness and beauty. I wish somebody had told me how once she gets a touch, she won’t ever stop chasing until she consumes you completely. I wish somebody had explained to me the truth about her, not just the empty nutritional facts which hold little importance. I wish somebody would have told me that she’s a parasite. About how once she gets a bite, you just can’t shake her. About how she feeds off of your happiness. About how she steals your confidence. About how she separates you from the ones who care the most. About how she’ll never stop until you’re completely destroyed. 10

When she came back, I didn’t notice it at first. She slipped in under the door, she seeped in through the cracks. Everyone expected something from me. My friends, my family, my teachers, my peers, people who I didn’t even know, people who I’d never even seen. They all had expectations I had to meet. Failing wasn’t an option. I couldn’t let them down. I couldn’t let myself down. I was stressed, I was unhappy with myself, I was overwhelmed, I craved perfection and she offered it to me. So I decided to try her out, let her take the wheel and see where it took me. I skipped dinner one day, I skipped lunch the next. At first, the hunger was painful, impossible to ignore. My body ached for proper nutrition, growled me a warning. Then I saw the numbers fall, and she numbed the hunger. Restricting calories. Thirteen hundred a day. That’s too much. Eleven hundred. The numbers fell again. One thousand. The excuses start coming. Nine hundred. She promised me I could stop whenever I wanted. Lie number one. Seven hundred. Three more pounds, and I’ll be happy. Five hundred. 11

They tell me I have a problem. She lies to us all and makes me believe that I don’t. I believe her, and by doing so surrender all control. She poisons my mind and makes me believe that I need her. She sucks down my strength and drains my energy, but I don’t care. If I can hang on long enough, I’ll certainly be happy. My hands shake all the time now. My body is weak, and I shiver in the summertime heat. I lie to cover up for her destruction. I distance myself from my friends and my family, I can’t risk them finding out the truth. I can’t risk them making her stop. What truth? What problem? I don’t have a problem. Cross my heart. She said I can stop whenever I like. The monster wouldn’t lie. She takes everything from me. My hair thins, the blackouts start coming, I have no strength. 12

She pushes my Jesus away, and I let her. Why? Because people are praying, and their prayers are interrupting her work, their prayers are slowing my deterioration. We can’t let your Jesus stand in the way, she tells me. I can make you perfect, she lies, you’re doing this for Him. You’re achieving perfection for Him. I have no desire for anything anymore, only her. Why? Because she’s still promising me perfection, and everyone knows that perfection equals happiness. Anorexics suffer from distorted body image. It’s physical, it’s real, and it’s nearly impossible to reverse. The numbers keep falling, my silhouette shrinks, but I see no change. I see failure in my mirror, and every day I hate myself more. People say that she’s going to kill me, but I don’t care. If she kills me, at least I will die in perfection. I tell my friends I’m going to die young. It’s funny how they think I’m kidding. I crave emptiness. Hunger is now a comfort. I cry in bed every night, I pray to my Jesus and tell Him that I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt Him. I apologize for letting her take His place. Every night He offers to take her from me, and every night I tell Him no. And then one night, He did. I told Him not to, but He did. He pried her from my body, He opened my eyes and for the first time in months, I saw the truth. But it wasn’t enough. I was her marionette. I asked for Him to give her back, and she did. She hit me hard, and made me forget the truth.13

After months of bittersweet starvation, when she figured there was no fight left in me, her mask came off and I saw Satan. After months of brainwashing, of convincing my distorted mind that she was all I needed, she asked me to admit that I didn’t need Him anymore. I figured He had left me long ago. I deserved it, after all, after all the hurt I’d caused him. And when there was nothing left of me, I nearly admitted it. 14

And then something glorious happened - I felt His presence. He had been there the entire time. He picked up my pieces, one by one, and gave me a strength that I’d never felt before. I was no longer afraid of her, because I understood it now. My God is bigger. 15

So I told her to leave. I told her to take her mask and hide her ugly face. I told her that I never wanted to see it again. I dared her to try and touch me. Roles were reversed, and she was terrified because she saw Him. She cowered in His shadow. She trembled at His feet. Never again would I believe her lies, never again would I allow her to poison me, and never, never would I ever allow her to separate me from my God. He cast her out of my body with His truth and fearfully she retreated into the hell of which she came. 16


She’s gone now, but the battle is ongoing. Everyday she offers her hand, and every day I want to take it. I still crave starvation, I still want her touch, but I hide in His shadow instead. I pray for His protection from her, because I know how easy it will be to fall back into her hold. One skipped meal, one step on that scale; all of these are open doors for her. I didn’t realize when that when I touched her for the first time that she would leave me living in fear. I fight her every day, she’s so close to slipping back in. I wish that I could take it all back. I wish I could start over. Don’t trust the monster. You’ll learn the hard way what the experts don’t tell you. She is an addiction as powerful as any drug and as deadly as any blade. As I said, once she’s touched you, she won’t stop until she consumes you, and every day that I live I know that I will never truly want to stop. But there is hope for me still, because I am protected by the power of His name, and I can take refuge in the shelter of His wings. 17

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