I have been dating this amazing man. He is wonderfull,sweet,shy, loving, caring, trustworthy, he is everything i've ever wanted, he is what completes me. We have been planning on moving in with one another. I know that the BIG QUESTION, is comming up, he hints here and there about it and I am estatic. I believe I was menat to be a wife and mother. Well, the other day I was listening to a talk show on the radio and they were talking about porn in a marridge, and to be honest, I am against it 110 % I believe it is wrong. I want a family and Children, and I believe when we are intimate it is beautiful, and it is making love, and God willing it will create a miricle, a love child, but I believe porn destroys and distorts such a beautiful thing. I think that by supporting such a terrible thing, that you too destroy intacmacy the way it was meant to be. I am IN love with this man, and I know this should not matter, but it does. I now feel I have to compete with these women with perfect breasts, and bodies, which I am not, I am overweight and short, and far from perfect. I feel like all the love we were sharing is now wrong and unclean. I understand that we have faults, but this has had me torn up since I found out he has wateched it. I asked him up-frount, when the last time was, it was when our relationship had just begun, at 4 months, we are only 7 months, which isnt terribly long at all, but it is both our longest relationships and we feel perfect together. I have never loved someone as much as I love him, but I can't seem to get past this, he has seen everytype of porn there is atleast oce, but like the guy on girl, I think its disgusting personally, but why would you be able to masterbate if you werent interested? Why would you even finish if it bothered you? Simple Anwser, it didnt, he enjoyes all the perversion that he seen. Isnt only pscho killers supposed to be into those things????? Could he be into more than I know? Is there someone or something on his mind while we are making love, or are we just FUCKING, like they do in the pornos? I feel so unclean. I don't know what to do! I cry everytime I think about it. How could such a shy guy be into this? Simple anwser yet again he Cant! or Can he? I dont know the anwser, I have never even disscussed something like this with anyone. I cant judge him...because everyone expierements, RIGHT?? I have tried masterbation, but to me it is like tickling yourself, it is a waste of time, and doesnt work. I have never watched more than a few minutes of porn, it grossed me out. I believe those people are whores and disgusting. I think the ruined my relationship with this amazing man. How do I move on ? HOW DO I COPE? I feel like he cheated on me, and I feel like he will continue doing those things, because I wont ask him to change who he is for me, but I told him If I find out he is participating in any type of perversion or I find evidence of it things will get broken, like computers, TV's, Phones and hearts. If we have kids they will come with me, who knows if they could walk in if he is careless,or if they find it and put it in, like I did accidently as a child, or if it can twist his mind and maybe he could go after them, I think Its better to be safe then sorry.I dont believe he would he is too gentle a soul, but who know right? Somethimes the ones you love turn out to be complete strangers in the end. I love him, but this has ruined something so very beautiful to me. I let myself open up, give myself completely, and this is what happens. Maybe something is wrong with me. It seems he goes down when there isnt hand or mouth on his penis, so am I not tight maybe??or did he masterbate so much that only that type of pressure gets him going??? If so, we both pay for his indiscretions. I dont think i will be able to feel so open with him aagain. I need help, I need anwsers, I cant loose him. I dont want depression to swollow what is left of me again. I havent cut in years, but hte desiese is still ther, burried deep, I have chosen to ignore it and do it the hard way, the right way, but I still want a razor or a knife everytime I'm hurting, I want one now. I dont want to go so far over the edge to where I wont come back...I dont want to die. I dont want to go to hell. I want piece, so why does this haunt me still? I finally find happiness, to where there is only bliss with him. Now this. Im so close to tears now. Im trying to be strong....I think im failing at it...the need to relive the pain, to make it momentarilly dissipear is strong....I yearn for a razor....I just want to love him, but how can I if Im AFRAID? AFRAID of being hurt, lied to cheated on, kept in the dark? He says it was a way to find love in the physical form, why couldnt he have been stronger? why'd I have to find this out. it is tearing me apart piece by piece. He was the one who fixed my already flawed and bruised soul, now he is why it is hurting. I cant help it as my tears are released from thier prison again and again everytime I try to wrap my mind around this problem? Even if you ignore things they dont go away they get worse in time.Its already bead enough as it is. I cant do this....how could I handle something bigger??? Am I even ready to moe on to something as big as marridge? Am I mature enough? Probably not, but I want to try anyways, because I really do love him. I know he loves me too, but I cant cpmpete with the things in his mind, I wont do perversion, I just cant. Its not in me to do those things. He says it is different with us, the feelings are there, that he knows its wrong, that he hasnt dont it since he has seen me more abd have been intimate more, but what If I have to go somewhere for awhile like if a friend gets hurt and I am needed in my home town 50 miles away? he will go back to that. He will difile intimacy over and over again. I try to believe when he says he wont but i have issues too, trust is one of them. I've been cheated on, lied to, embarrased, and hurt....so yeah its hard for me to just hand iut trust, because there isnt much left to give. I love him so very much and I want to be by his side for the res of my life, even still after all of this. I dont know if I can put myself in the position where anything can happen, to be in a free fall, to be raw to the world....I want to be, but if he can hurt me now what can he do when I allow him the key to my heart? I do believe he wont but I still have problems trusting even myself when I say that....
HELP ME SOMEONE!!! I am going insane!!! I love him. He loves me. but will he lie and hide this from me? or does he love me enough to stop? I DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!
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