I chose this... I chose these classes and I chose this path. A difficult path, but at the time, I thought I was strong. I thought I could handle anything, because I, I was the guardian. I protected those around me. I helped them when they needed help the most. Never in my life before this, did I think I would be the one that needs help. That needs protection and that feeling of secure arms around me. I thought the wanting of such warmth, would be a pitiful thing when longed for my a guardian. Now I am feeling this longing, this need for a warmth that will never fade.
I sometimes wondered, what do my dreams mean. In all my dreams, there was so much conflict, or confusion, or emotionless moments where i knew I was suppose to feel something, but did not. Part of me believes, my mind was trying to tell me something. For in all my dreams, I was with a group of people who were by my side and never leaving. Always the same figures. Is my longing for a connection, not with those online, but in person, so great that I fear such a thing?
The thought of letting another into my life. The thought of letting them know everything.... scares me. I do not want someone to know so much of me, that they can be a threat. Yet I long for such a thing. I long for someone I can always run to. That is why, perhaps, I am filled with envy. This envy for those around me who have a childhood friend since born, or a friend they have known for such a long time, they think the relationship had existed at birth.
I... I know I have people here that I can trust, but I just do not know how much. I fear if I tell them everything, they will leave. Then again, they always leave. Or perhaps, I just refuse to let the relationship continue. Perhaps I fear that if it does, I will be shattered?
I can not, for the life of me, figure out why I feel this way. Why am I so scared of letting others in? Why am i so scared of being comforted? What is wrong with me?
No matter what others say... I can not trust. I can not believe. Everything... everything is just fake in my eyes. I see nothing real. I see nothing with a point.
I see no point in life. No point in doing anything. No point in breathing. No point in thinking. Yet I do it. Why? Perhaps I fear stopping everything and just dying, but whenever I try to end this life, all these problems, I think of the pain I will cause others...
I do not want to cause pain to those who have met me, but I partly wonder if any would really care. How said...
I escape to my fantasies. My dreamlands. Into the internet, or into books or manga. Even music. I escape. I can not face any of the problems I am dealt, for I am weak. I am afraid. I do not want to be, but I am. This pain... makes me want to die. Die so badly that I feel hurt when I think I will continue to suffer.
I feel like a bird, a caged raven. Or perhaps a caged wolf... or maybe a panther or snake? Four animals I seem so attached to in my mind... I feel like my being alive cages these creatures. The chains, the cages. Everything that bounds one from freedom. That bounds these creatures... If I die, will they be released?
We are supposedly born with a purpose... so when will I finally, find mine?1
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I know, very well, a wolf's instinct.
You are thinking too much.
Too much about relationships,
Too much on other's,
Envying those around with good friends,
And it's causing tunnel vision.
This is your cage.
You focused so much on others,
Helping others,
That you never thought before to help yourself.
Now that you need to, it seems to big to handle.
You can handle anything.
A caged wolf does not feel fear.
A caged wolf feels anger.
That anger can be countered by will and vigilance to persevere.
You know what must be done.
Do it without a second thought.
Push others to the back of your mind.
Take on the aspect of the lone wolf.
Painful and lonely at times,
But all that is meant to come on whatever path you choose shall come.
Know your road, whichever one YOU, and not 'fate', choose.
Because it is ultimately misunderstood.
Fate is the road you travel and all that will come upon that path,
Not a destination.
You decide your own fate.
Take care of yourself.
Be vigilant.
Do what you must to survive.
I will always care about you,
And you do have others that care, as well.
"If you can spend every sixty seconds,
Worth it's distance run,
Then the world will be your's, and everything that's in it..."
-"If" Rudyard Kipling
~Alpha -
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~nuzzles~
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-nuzzles you back-
Worry not dearie. You can handle this.
May the winds be at thy back. -
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I guess only time will tell now, right?
~pokes and
s~
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Perhaps. But I am right.
So long as you have faith in yourself.
-licks your cheek-
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Roli...my beautiful daughter....you will find what you are meant for soon...and until then...if you need me...i am here....let me help guard you...after all a mother is supposed to protect her young....right?
*hugs you tightly*
Love always,
Cassandra
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you have many people that care about you. lots of us here care and i'm sure that you have people around you that care where you are. gather up your strength. do your best to live the best you can day by day. don't worry about tomorrow too much until you need to. don't forget not to dwell on the past, it's over and done with. you can't change the past, you can only learn from it. things will be ok. have faith and trust yourself that you are doing what is best and right for you. you have the power to do good and do what's right, not just for the world or others, but for yourself most of all.
if you ever need to talk, i'm here for you! -
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All I see is doing things for others. That's why I put up with the drama and 'betrayals' at my school. I want to make others happy, then when I realize I, myself, am not happy, I have no clue how to react. ^_^'
Thank you for your kind words. I actually did not expect anyone to read this journal, so it means a lot knowing that you did.
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