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Journal #5

The glass I’m holding out in front of me is filled with things I don’t want to remember. Shoving it down my throat, I tell myself this is me. This is what they want. I hold hands with a man I barely know, and praise myself to everyone. Smiles are so fake it’s disgusting.1

As stupid as it seems, I don’t want to go back. Living in this place feels like home, or at least I have made it to seem that way. I can’t tell you why, or how. In fact, it doesn’t even matter now. We’re too far gone. This party that’s taken me in will not release its hold. I won’t let it. It has changed everything about me, even what was in my eyes. All these colors…what was black is now bright yellow. It’s all fake.2

I am whatever you want to see. I am the person who drags your eyes along without trying. I am the one you will remember when you wake up with that hangover, making your head explode. I am the girl who has it all, but the thing is, I’m not real. Why are you doing this to me? Make me real. Are you even strong enough now? Yes, all you have to do is believe.3

Stop killing me, mother. I can’t always be what you want me to be, even though I try. I try so damn hard…
Let me out of here.

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