Another look at my past - I am guilty of lying to myself about love *then*, where my truth was that I was falling deeper toward the ex-h at the time, yet resisting with every facet of myself -- having sensed he wasn't really "loving" me, just acting it in order not to be left; proved when he found another. Was I right or did I drive it away? I will probably never know -- I made up lies to myself about what could never be "because" and said I didn't feel; and those lies were being fed by a serpent for it's own ends.
In this other life I have been reborn to, serenity in love makes it a safe place in which to explore and examine my past. Being healed makes all the difference in the world. I have to look at myself and my past lies - the juxtaposition between how I was acting and attempts to be more giving in multiple ways with the seeming cold-hearted disregard and dispassionate portents of a future separate from my then listener. Having been on the other end of such a witnessing of one lying to oneself (out of depression) since then, I can know how it felt and see that old self through newer eyes. Did I MAKE the future I saw, or did I see the future as it was to be (though with changes)?
All intuitives struggle with the difference between what is real and what is not. All serpentine souls leap to take to their advantage any doubts in the hearts of innocents. It is an eternal struggle. I can't feel "wronged" by anything that has led me to my present state of being -- but I do wonder about the integrity of she-that-was-me who died, when she believed herself to have so much integrity. I want to learn from her mistakes, not repeat them. I don't want to lie to myself ever again, no matter how hard the truth may be. For if I'd said to myself "I am starting to love him unselfishly, but he is not really loving me but wearing a mask", I would have still remained depressed. So I forced myself to believe it would never work and made up a facade that I was not loving at all, that I was leaving, that I wanted to be with someone else - who was simply presenting with their own selfish fantasies.
Not knowing what parts of him were real, I can't be sure of what it was I loved. I'm sure I both loved and hated his enabling role. I loved the seeming unselfish acts -- but they were also selfish acts, designed to keep me from leaving. Yet I seemed to be leaving anyway -- in my heart, though dependent in body, simply because I was saying so.
The tide has turned. I am the one giving, caring - for another. I am the one giving the daily massages for my dear one's comfort; because I love. I am the one made strong by past heartbreak and mended by this safe place I share with someone who loves me -- even through the times he tried to believe he did not and nearly made the same mistake I did. I know what it is to be married in spirit, to not feel separate, to feel that relationship as a third entity -- something holy that links me to the universe. I believe and know that I *wanted* that with the ex - deep down I believe we all do, but I will never know if it would have been possible the way he was. It is possible and in fact it exists in the "soul-marriage" I am part of now. I have a long way to go -- I must first support myself and then very possibly my soul-mate, even while he supports my personal growth and healing and vice versa. I must overcome fear of poverty and the insecurity of not being taken care of. I must see that the security I felt myself to have once was merely a facade as well - anything could have happened to the ex and I would be in the same condition as now; perhaps with a little more money for a while, but eventually it would still come down to being the same eventualities.
I have to become brave enough to give up the securities of someday collecting half of the ex's social security, in order to have courage to merge lives and join with my beloved. He has some projects ahead of him that must be taken care of as well. And when that time comes and those things done, I will change my name.
And my identity here (and everywhere online) will change as well - even before that. I do not relate to the woman that I had been and feel as if I did not exist before now, nor did that life. That old life is just as much a fantasy or dream as my current life would have been to me then. I am ... a giver. I learned... from someone who gave care -- for who knows what reasons, but I think it was not love. I am grateful for the learning, if not for the leaving. I forgive -- but I suppose I will always wonder, while my beloved reaps the benefits of a diamond thrown into the dumpster of life. I am not bitter - my heart was pulled out and nourished, healed and found by love again.
"Timebot" as all knew her, will fade over time. Those web sites in her name will be given up one by one. Even the site under the real name will go at a certain point in time when my real name is changed as well. (If it doesn't happen by marriage, I may change my own name anyway.) I want that old self to be as dead to those who knew her as she is to me.
As for the one who found me, he may believe I toss and turn over this unnecessarily, but that is how I feel I must handle myself. As long as the results are good, all is well. That we share this journey of enlightening ourselves, and growth, and a special bond is all that matters. The more I understand myself, the less likely I am to bring hurt upon either of us and the more free we can be. I could do what I'm doing, even if he didn't exist in my life -- but it wouldn't have so much meaning, nor joy. I could study the things we do alone, but it wouldn't have the benefits of his insights and experience.
I am likely to write about many things -- especially today when I pause for reflection.
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