Hopefully I Got it Right Now

I’m starting to realize how relationships work. I always thought I’d just know how to be with a person but I figure, if you haven’t realized how special you are to me yet, then I haven’t been trying hard enough. I can be speechless. I have been wandering in the unknown.1

And I know that’s true now, because I’ve had so many things to say and I’ve just sat idle and biting my lip. I thought they would have stressed you. But even if I had said them right away I can’t be certain they would have changed the outcome of this at all, but at least I would have tried. It’s the least I could have given us.2

So I have to take the risk now. And I think you’re worth it.3

I can only try my best to keep my maliciousness out of this letter; I want to be gentle.4

I’m uncertain how you thought I was going to handle this, but there has been a lot of pain. It has hurt trying to figure out all the right answers to my questions on my own. It would have done some good to hear your voice, that’s all I will say. 5

When you texted me, how long did you think about it before you did it? Do you still think about it or are you just done? It makes me wonder how meaningful our relationship was to you.6

You can’t commit to me and that breaks my heart, but I guess the important question here is: do you want to commit to me? There’s a big difference. Can’t is a rule, and rules get broken. Want is something to be fulfilled, something can’t “can’t” stop.7

If I meant anything, I’ve been here thinking that if something was worth having that it was worth working for, even through the bad times. 8

I know commitments are scary. And maybe you can’t make one to me because you think you don’t have much to give to me right now. But, if you can’t give me time, that’s ok. You’re going through a rough time. I’m not here to stress you. All you have to do is tell me what you’re feeling, what’s happening inside and out, and I’d run to be there for you.9

Isn’t that another important part of a relationship? Anything meaningful is about more than fun. I was in it for more than nice evenings. I know you can’t give me much time right now but you could have given me part of you and I would have protected it.10

I wish I could have given you a moment of peace, so even if your day wasn’t so bright I could have made you smile for a second, and you could have had that part of the day. I wish I could have given this to you because even if you don’t know it, you did that for me plenty of times. If I could have taken an ounce of the pressure away I would have done more than I could have hoped for.11

I thought we could have tried but I can’t change your mind about anything. I wouldn’t try and do so because it’s cruel. I want to be kind to you. You’re my friend first, so if being just that is what you need, how could I say no?12

You can’t commit to me but that doesn’t give us more time together. So I have to ask, can you commit to our friendship? Do you think it will just hurt me less if it’s this way? 13

I didn’t think our relationship had to change but I didn’t say anything. I just don’t know why I couldn’t be a source of strength. Did I make the stress worse? I thought we could have been there for each other so that’s why I don’t understand. But you can’t commit; it’s the only reason I can try to understand.14

When things started to get really heavy, like on the street corner last Wednesday when you told me you weren’t sure you could handle our relationship, that’s when I should have spoke up. I need to stop choking. I’ll never try hard enough if I can’t learn to use my voice. I can't always write letters. You can’t guess and I can’t either.15

Right there I said nothing but I was screaming inside. Come Friday, still nothing. And then Sunday you texted me. No words came out and I couldn’t have been sure they would have been the right ones at the time, but I should have said something.16

I said nothing because I got the impression that you needed space and time to breathe. So I backed off.17

I wanted to be strong for you. I wanted to support you but I feel like I failed. I could have been better. I shouldn’t have kept quiet. 18

I stepped aside for you but I want you to understand I made a mistake. Even if it stressed you out more like I feared maybe I should have stepped right in the middle.19

Maybe I feel for you more than I lead on to. I hope that isn’t too crazy. I think you work so hard and I think you deserve someone special, even if I can’t be special for you anymore.20

I’m up a lot at night thinking about us now, so you need to tell me if I need to stop daydreaming about you; if I need to stop hoping that one day you may grab my hand again.21

I can’t tell you how hard this is going to be. I wanted to get closer to you. Emotionally and physically.22

So many times when we’ve been walking I wanted to kiss you midsentence; in a way that’s more than we have. But I know this relationship has been on your mind. So would have you have pushed me away last week or before? I would have made a fool of myself.23

So you need to tell me if I need to stop.24

But it’s going to weird. If I don’t look at you it’s because I don’t want to be tempted to kiss you.25

I know you don’t need this and I feel horrible, almost disgusted with myself, for laying this all down on you but keeping this all inside is possibly the greatest disservice I could do for myself. 26

I should have told you all this. I feel like so much could have happened if I told you. So, I have to try from now on no matter what we are to each other.27

You surprised me last year. I wasn’t looking for anyone. You made me feel beautiful and like I deserve someone special too. So if I haven’t been able to convey it, you really are special to me.28

I have no honest idea of what you’re really feeling. I wish I could crack you open and take a deeper look, but I can’t. I have to ask and I have to learn how I can comfort you. However big or small your troubles I hope you could trust me with them. I want to go to bed every night knowing I’ve done everything I can for you. I care about you.29

I know you’re struggling, so don’t feel pressured to answer this. I hope you’ve read this and maybe you prove you have (for me), but please don’t fret. Something is so fragile about this all. Maybe when you lay your head down at night you can think about it, but it’s up to you. Don’t lose sleep. You need it.30

I half expect you to be mad at me, and even if I’ve said too much or something idiotic, I’ll never take it back.31

I hope one day you wake up and it’s safe. In meantime I’ll come sit with you. I hope you find yourself back on your feet and if you ever decide you still want to be with me; I’m here. I do see something in you, and I always hoped you saw something in me too. YOU asked me on a date, didn’t you? I hope that isn’t gone.32

But right now I’ll be here for you. I’ll continue to keep you in my thoughts. I’ll be your friend.