Confessions of an addict

I have a very addictive personality, 'they' say you either do or you don't. I definitely do. Currently I'd say I'm addicted to canabis (it certainly is addictive), painkillers and nicotine. I used to have a real problem with cocaine but managed to stop that many years ago. Well, until now. For all my bravado about how much better I'm doing and how I'm looking forward to being me and doing what I want, inside, at times, I'm actually falling apart. I've been drinking and snorting to much. I recognise the place I'm at, I've been here before. I'm on the very brink of becomnig dependent on coke again. And you know what, this time I'm gunns stop it.
Friday night, i hit a new low. I cheated on my current man, with my best [male] friend. I didn't sleep at all that night, or last night really. But, I also had a moment of clarity. I guess one could say a mini epiphany. I seem to be having them a lot at the moment. I suddenly realised that I've been doing to many drugs, drinking FAR to much and getting myself into bad situations that I do not want to be in. As I've been in this place before, I know the warning signs, and they've been flashing pretty hard these last few weeks. I'm glad I can recognise them and know what happens next.
I've decided to have a month off drink and coke, just to give me peace of mind, to know I can do it. I have to admit, I'm a little scared. I actually don't know if I can do it. Here's to trying though, heh!
I broke up with my new guy yesterday. Id wanted to do it for a while now, so Fridya nigth did help in one respect I suppose. I couldn't stay with this guy after I had cheated on him. I was a bit of a coward however, I didn't tell him about Friday night's exploits, just made up a few excuses about being a mess head, which in fairness is also true.
I might go away for a little while, things are doing my head in around here. Its torturous living with my mum - she takes hard to live with to a whole new level. It is so clear to me she has a drink problem, but my Dad just keeps giving her drinks throughout the day. I mean, wtf, if i can see there's a problem there after being home for a few months then there must be. She is so unpredictable - always walking around in a mood, having a go randomly but then either forgetting all about it the next day or remembering some warped version of what happened, so she holds a grudge against you - even when she's in the wrong. I tell you, it's no wonder I'm about an inch away from properly cracking up.
Maybe I should shave my hair.....