look into my eyes if you can't remember / *

I miss my best friend. I miss the hours on the phone, running up the bill, laughing because we could. I miss promises of movie nights and Funstation, going to the mall and late nights spent whispering when everyone else had already fallen asleep. I miss when you told me the eyes were the windows of the soul that you wanted to save. I started wearing my hair back, after that. 1

I still remember. 2

I miss promising each other to go to the Valentine's dance, sighing when it was canceled because although we had said 'If no one else asks', we never made any effort to find someone else. We didn't need to. We had each other, we had forever.3

Forever is over.4

Forever was over when you trusted her over me, let the voice whispering malicious lies in your ear turn you blind to our friendship. You let her convince you that I was a threat, a lie that could not be seen when we stood before the mirror. You used to hug me and never let go. I remember that first hug, surrounded by 200 kids we had no idea the names of. We hugged, and we blushed, and wouldn't meet each other's eyes. Instead, we went and hugged someone else. 5

We tried to make it normal.6

Sometimes I wish that we hadn't succeeded, that we hadn't become comfortable as friends. That we hadn't let the butterflies settle, but let them escape, ascend into the high heavens and transform into something even more wonderful. The light would blind us from the world, and we would have been really happy. 7

But you just had to trust her.8

After four years, I still hate you for that. I love you, and I hate you, and I don't know what to do about it. So I do nothing. I pretend we haven't grown apart, I still call you my best friend. I smile when I see you, reach for your hands when I'm freezing, laugh and treat you like everybody else, because you turned away when you had the chance to be special.9

You still are.10

You're the only person I've ever felt was worth dressing up for, because you always looked amazing. I wanted you to notice, I wanted you to see that I could wear more than boys jeans and old tee shirts. I wanted you to see me as pretty. I don't think I've ever smiled as much as when you called me beautiful, when you grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug. You had been worried about me, but all I could think was "he thinks I'm pretty". And if it was a lie, a pacifying word between best friends, then don't tell me. The memory is still one of my happiest, and one of my worst. Because she was there, too.11

She ruined everything.12

I don't think you see it, either. Everyone else does. When I finally made the connection, that she was there every time to make a mockery of me, no one looked surprised. They frowned, or shrugged, or said "No, really? (censored)". And it hurt, because I was the only one to see that the first best "girl friend" I had, tore me away from you. And she still smiles to my face, and calls you the back stabber.13

For some reason, I defend you.14

I don't know why. You've made me cry more than the depression or the mood swings, more than math tests or my grandmother, fights with my mother or brothers or my dad's run away marriage. But in my heart, you still feel special. You're still the sweet guy whose mother tried to hook us up, who I smacked still forgave me while I sobbed uncontrollably on your shoulder. You told me not to apologize for ranting, for crying, for screaming and kicking and hating the world, because it was you, and that was what you were there for.15

Where are you now?16

So many promises you've broken, and I kept mine to you. I stopped when you asked me to stop, apologized and learned to control my temper (sort of). I watched RENT and read Eragon, let you babble about Xena for hours on end while you tapped away at the piano keys. I let you tune your sax while we were on the phone (which really, please, don't do to anyone else. Their poor ear drums.). We made promises of a road trip, which I know you remember. But I don't think it will happen. Does that sound horrible? I've lost the faith that if it's us, you'll work something out.17

"I'm caught inside the memories, the promises, our yesterdays. And I belong to you" -Red, Never be the Same.18

People tell me to forget you, but I can't. They tell me to walk away, but I always peek over my shoulder to see if you care. I leave the doors wide open, waiting for you to walk through. If you wanted to, you would. But they're open anyway, just in case, because you're the one person I'll never be able to forget. In the depths of my heart, I'll still be hoping... just a little, that you'll come back. That we can at least retain our friendship, even if we return to the road that we neglected.19

We should've taken the left turn, mate.20

I stopped talking about you, because I've been afraid that it's making people angry. They think it's been long enough, they think that a best friendship and the "something more" can be forgotten, the strongest feelings I've ever felt. Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, I just haven't found the right person to make me entirely forget. Maybe I've been clinging to the memories, because my memories of you are some of my happiest. You made me feel like somebody. It's amazing that you also have that amazing power to make me wish I didn't exist.