I leave group therapy in November. Not to be offered anything else Nor can I afford private. No doctor. No pills.1
No family. No friends. When I close my front door after my last therapy session, I want to close it for the last time. I don't want to buckle and go and buy food, anything.2
For there will be no one trying to open it from the other side. No one knocking on it. No one looking for it. My phone won't ring. Not forgotten - never existed.3
Maybe I'll be remembered when I'm gone.4
Too much responsibility in this life of mine. My birth certificate says I am 26; that's just characters, something that shows I am real, how long I have been living this for. Really, though, I'm just a child. A child without a mother. A child with all the responsibilities of an adult.5
I feel this constant PAIN. Sometimes it is duller, it is in the background; right now, however, it is pushing everything else into the background. I cannot find words for it. Words, my one saviour at one point now mean as much to me as I do to others. I feel severed, torn, a broken connection inside me that will never be repaired for I wil never have the unconditional love of a mother.6
There is more than one way to die. I just need to stop breathing.
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*tears*
all I can say is my heart bleeds for you. I was abused as a baby by my father; starting at around 4mos old. Of course, I don't remember it much. My mum told me about it before she died. I always knew something was horribly wrong. That said a lot of it right there. That, and I was unwanted and was almost aborted, and then - well, you know the rest somewhat, I think.
Sometimes, when I am at my worst; I think that would have been better; but who am I to judge these things; or the grand scheme of it all? It has left a scar and wound within me that is always festering. I am just telling you this in hopes it will make you feel not so alone in your pain. I am starting some kind of intensive group therapy next week. Do they have 12-step programs in the UK?
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omgiosh this was so sad. don't stop breathing!
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