Please Hear What I Am Not Saying . . .

So .. Basically this was an assignment I had for English class .. But I wanted to share it because I really liked this piece of writing of mine .. And it really hit a nerve.1

We had to read a poem, or at least an entry, and then respond to it however we felt we wanted to.2

So I'm going to write the poem out for you, followed by what I wrote as my response.3

I hope you like it. <34

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"Please Hear What I Am Not Saying . . . "7

"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.8

Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled; for God's sake, don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled within me as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that water is calm and I am in command; that I need no one. But don't believe me, please . . . . . My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.9

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness, and fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind; a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. And I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by LOVE.10

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself; from my own self-built prison walls; from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I am really something.11

But I don't tell you this; I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me; I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good and that you will see this and reject me.12

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.13

And so, begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks. My life becomes a front, I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is nothing and nothing that is everything, of what's crying inside me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying.14

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.15

I dislike hiding, honestly. I dislike the superficial game I am playing, the superficial phony. I'd like to be really genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.16

With your sensitivity and compassion and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that, I want you to know how important you are to me. How you can be the creator of the person that is me if you choose to. PLEASE CHOOSE. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble; you alone can remove the mask; you alone can release me from my lonely prison. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. My long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the more blindly I might strike back. It's irrational, but despite what books say about a person, I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for.17

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies hope. MY ONLY HOPE. Please try to beat down my wall with firm hands, but with gentle hands -- for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. FOR I AM EVERY MAN YOU MEET. I AM EVERY WOMAN YOU MEET. I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!"18

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~*~22

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Reading this entry made me think about all the mistakes I've made in my life. I've always tried not to regret things because I believe everything happens for a reason, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I had done something differently. Would I be happier? Would I even be alive? It almost tortures me to think about these things because I hate not knowing the answers.26

This past summer my life changed completely; all because of a stupid move on my part. I had finally found real happiness, only to lose it over something that could have been easily prevented had I sat down and cared more instead of trying to relive the past.27

It kills me to know how much I fucked things up; but I'll never be able to take it back. Not only did my life change; but I changed. And though I try not to, that will always be the one thing I regret...28

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~*~38

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Now, I know my entry wasn't that long, but it was heart felt and meaningful to me. When I came back, I was a different person .. And I would give anything to just be Alicia again ...45

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[[sopleaserememberyouloveme]]