The Devil Came East.
Here are some things that caught my attention and left me wondering what was meant, intended, implied, -- you get the idea
Don’t take any of this the wrong way because it’s only my opinion, I am enjoying the reading and think the ideas are great ones. I have a lot of respect for the both of you.2
Prologue.
#6 He’d known her the moment he saw her, almost two weeks ago.
This suggests that he has stalked his prey, and therefore knows all about the woman he’s going to kill. And by that I mean her schedule, where she lives, what she drives etc… Yet you go on as though he knows nothing of her, like he picked her today, a random sighting, because he didn’t know where she lived; #10
Personally I would change this to. He would know her the moment he saw her. Something to that effect in order to change the least amount as possible about the story.3
#9
Sent 3 suggests the car is already in motion, so in 5 when her back up lights come on I’m thinking they should already be on.
I would move sent 4 to the three spot and the current sent 3 I would combine with 5, ending in he let up on the brake and prepared for the chase,4
#10 I would take out (about) in sent 1 and 3, they are not needed, and repeating.5
#11 He hurried back to his car: I don’t believe this guy would hurry, he is in control, he is cool under pressure, cocky with his daylight evil and he would act casual, blend in.6
#12 He started a rap song? This is a great place to add to your word count without being over wordy, he rapped his knuckles against the cool metal surface.7
A little added touches gives the story more feeling, while you’ve done a great job explaining most everything, I feel it’s the added bits of things we take for granted that actually make stories come alive.8
#18 the guy was fighting to breathe?9
#35 it sounds like she looses strength from a dozen different wounds and he has yet to use the knife.10
#36 he took (the) engagement ring
(In) the living room11
From the sounds of it there would be a lot of blood, he killed her while he was still naked yet we could stand to know how he cleaned himself up. Again this is where the little bits add a lot to the story.
Chapter 1
went well. Nice introduction to characters, mainly Dr. Neil Harris.
We also get some information as to how the Crisis Line works, they have the caller ID that can identify the ‘victims’ so our suspision is transferred to them. Other than being a cheap creap, Mark Gheil is just a producer. Young Josh Hammond is a simple character.
It flowed well and led right to chapter 212
Chapter 2.
We get introduced to the killer - he’s a real smooth manipulator. He convinces Michelle to drink the ‘poison’ yet she thinks she will be able to save herself after he leaves.
We get a lot of urging to believe that this guy is from the Crisis Line, and because I’m suspicious by nature perhaps I’m thinking someone at the radio station had something to do with it. 13
Chapter 3.
I’m wondering why in the world the killer would use something that would take so long to kill. The first sentence says - yet several hours had gone by. What is he doing all this time? 14
#5 At times it sounded like he was conversing with someone else.
That forced, like the writer is uncomfortable writing through the mind of a killer, trying too hard to make the reader believe that this guy has some problems. I have no doubts that you did your homework on serial killer character traits, you’ve told me about them as though you have a list your going off of.
This sentence isn’t any more ominous than any other person that talks out loud to no one, lots of people do it, but there are some killers that actually hear voices, or they have feelings of someone watching over them making them feel almost guilty, like they are less than something. And usually it is more that they are arguing with this ‘voice’ or imagined person.
I wonder if his father was a real bastard, maybe hit his mother and she was too pathetic to leave him, so that is why he wants to kill these ‘pathetic’ weak women. I wonder if she committed suicide, with the #7 (his eyes clouded with a hate filled memory)15
#22 He kicked off his socks - this actually created a rather funny visual, I didn’t think that was possible. Maybe -toed off- .16
Chapter 4
Was good, I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Neil is showing how concerned he is with the women he has talked too and wishes he could have talked to them more.
I like the characters, I’m getting closer to Neil. I like his friend Joe. I laughed my a.. off when Sandy floored Joe. That was great!!!17
Chapter 5
I’m not sure what you want me to believe, is Neil thinking foul play? Is he thinking the crisis line isn’t doing their Job? Right now I’m a bit confused and thinking Neil is only upset because he isn’t allowed to talk to these suicidal people #10 , but if that is all there is then what was the purpose of talking to Joe? It never really gives the reason that he is suspicious, and that is what he conveys in the last chapter, doubt about what is going on. (do you see what I mean?)18
Chapter 6 went well, easy flow, a lot of information here. #20 nice touch with the missing bird.19
Chapter 7:
I’m feeling sorry for Farley he’s a lonely guy.
# 27 Tomorrow he’d make (it to) the bank20
On to Mark
Mark is against Neil’s show,
He seems to have a good relationship with Bridgett, except for her cat.
#45 he doesn’t want to tell her the whole truth, so why would he be trying to get Neil a raise, that sounds to me like a flat out lie, he doesn’t want Neil,
Ch 5 #20 Connelly would like an excuse to replace you with another generic talk show, that is what he tells Neil, Ch 7 # 32-33 Connelly loves Neil’s show. If Mark is lying to his girl and Neil, that’s okay but the way it stands it’s like the writer is oopsing to the reader. That was really confusing for me as your reader.21
Chapter 8
#6 (suicides) In the past 12 months - it was the last 3 months that is all he looked into, ch6 # 33 and overdosed on the same medication, it says unknown substance 6 #33 Farley wanted Janet Marshall, at the M.E.s office to retest to identify the drugs or see howmany were the same drug, That was awful fast work to have the info when Janet said she couldn’t make any promises. I imagine that she is busy, and he mentions that he wouldn’t get anymore reports since it was after 5 in ch 7. Farley wanted suicide calls for the last 12 months that were referred by KJAB
And now with the same drug we have the serial murder connection.22
#10
The Detectives’ (Detective’s) tone
#13 your “ is in front of Joe and not behind the word it
#15 he’d failed her
#14 & #15 if they are talking about a serial murders why would Neil feel as though it was his fault only because he didn’t talk to the women?
#19 and (a) Hell of a (lot) better income (although -lot- is optional)23
#24 that raises eyebrows, it seems Mark shares some characteristics with the killer.
#25 “So long as we advertise the fact (that) I’m a
#26 stared at the doctor and utter in disbelief ( stared at the doctor in utter disbelief)24
Chapter 9
This chapter flowed well, I feel bad that Farley gets into trouble for uncovering this mess.
I like the characters in this, a great job was done bringing them to life.25
#8 And you, Taylor(, ) ( s)ince when did you stop running this precinct(?)
#9 to suspect the other had (a) hand in26
#12 ten deaths in six months classified as suicides ? (ch 6 = 15 in three months 7 substance unknown)
#25 made Farley feel some (what) better.27
Th.
THE END
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