Wake up call

It took a harsh wake-up call, but finally I accepted he was just using me to have somebody in his life like he used hookers so he wouldn't have to feel alone. He was always so critical of me, to the point of verbal abuse. He ran, hung up on me, broke up with me everytime things got tough to the point of emotional abuse...even yelled at me and criticized me when I was feeling suicidal.1

At some point, I am responsible for how I let other people treat me. I had been so hurt by so many and my life was in such ruins, I clung to a future with someone who never really wanted a future with me, just someone to cling to in his dark. Afterall, he once asked me to marry him, only after my telling my mom and best friend did he say no we weren't engaged and retracted his offer...wounded me so deep...BUT I STAYED WITH HIM. His long promised divorce never materialized. Hint, hint...wake up!2

I realize he is very, very sick, as am I, so I justified his behavior and tolerated that which I shouldn't have. So my pain now is on me...I should have gotten out at the earliest warning signs instead of getting in so deep.3

My best friend warned me repeatedly after some of the things he did, be careful, he's using you, guard your heart...like when he forgot my birthday, didn't do anything about after the fact, I was so hurt...but not as hurt as I was later when I learned he sent his ex-girlfriend a birthday card for her birthday. He carried on with other women on line, always trying to keep his options open...4

How did I get to a point that I put up with this? Some people prey on the vulnerable, and I seem to draw the jerks like flies. So what does that say about me? I do respect myself, love myself, although I don't always like myself...so I have to love myself enough to not be so forgiving to the point of being walked all over, trampling my heart...5

Sometimes forgiveness is just being a fool...