Realization

Maybe I have always been like this and just finally coming true with myself and realizing my fears and laziness. I picture the kind of life I truly want that is realistic to get, but I never act on it and when I do, it seems to fall apart and I back down from it and go a different path. People say things happen for a reason. That maybe I wasn't made to join the Army or maybe I am just a waste of life. Either way, I don't really care at this point. I need to stop standing back and hope things come to me. So what if I make stupid choices. I don't see anyone perfect in this world. I'm sure not even God was perfect. Yes, I went there. I need to stop putting off that day to get my life together. I'm not getting any younger and I need to stop depending on people to take care of me and look after me. I need to become independent and stop searching with the intentions I have presented to so many people. Doing nothing else but destroying myself and others. I need to figure out why I do sabotage pretty much everything in my life and just start going after things without holding back. I know what I truly want to a point in my life and how I want to live. How I am right now isn't it. How I was in Germany isn't it. Maybe that's why I didn't go home. After a phone conversation with a friend, I came to realize the things he was saying is mostly true. That it doesn't matter where I am, that things don't truly change and neither do I. I'm 26 and still dealing with childhood horror. I'm 26 and still unable to forgive or forget certain people in myself, including myself. I know that until I get over certain things and I realize that I don't have control over things that have happened and stop with the "what if" or "what could of been" with certain situations. So what if I can't do one of the federal/government jobs thanks to my father that has been within my mind for a long time. It's time for me to stop hanging on to that and move on to something else. So what if I choice to do online college courses instead of actually going to school. Is there really a difference? I know I need to have a few conversations with some people and stop seeking approval from someone I know I will never get it from. I know I need to stop throwing myself a pity party inside my heart and mind. I do need to stop being a pussy and man up in this world before my chance never comes and I do spend my life kicking myself. So what if I don't know if I want to study this or that. How many people do? What's so wrong with working in law enforcement? Sometimes I wonder what people truly expect from me. If it's failure or to truly become something out of this life given to me? I've fucked up more than once in my life and I never claim to be perfect, but I can always say I'm me and not being a hypocrite or pretending to be something I'm not. After all, what is the point of being fake? I'm 26 and not truly sure who I am and still seeking it out, but I'm content being a sarcastic bitch that speaks her mind. Instead of handing out advice, I need to start following my own. I need to just let things happen and quit trying to hard to fight things. I might not be able to do too much until next year, but it's time to stop making excuses and get started with myself. Stop pointing fingers and stop fearing life and stop fearing failure. So what if I fail. It's time I learn how to deal with it and start fresh with the next thing until I figure how what it is that it is that I'm here to do instead of wasting it all away like I have been so far. I know I'll get some comments that are stupid and uncalled for, and honestly, I don't really give a shit at the moment...