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... is a brick wall.2
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Disclaimer:6
One .. I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist, this should be evident by the unprofessional, flowery language. Two, reference one. If you get to three then you cheated. 
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This offers no solutions, just observations and is not meant to offend or concur... in other words, its personal issues, I alone, need to deal with. I could easily point the AvPD or SPD pen at me .. but I will refrain from classifying myself at this time. 9
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I question my role: What I'm doing. Where I'm going. These are the two basic questions that come to mind. The 'How' doesn't seem to want to cooperate with the 'Why' and neither seem to give two heaps about 'When'. 14
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Inevitably I wish and cancel that wish several times, for a crystal ball. 16
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Sometimes its best, not to know, to learn rather than be fed continuously ... to keep chugging within the veiled confines of faith, for isn't faith based in time, isn't the internet a more tangible yet also intangible form?18
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Being blind, however, breeds confusion and resentment, so where is the balance. When is enough information enough. When do eyes reach back and say, huh, maybe I should of done this or that. Is this healthy .. whatever that may mean. 20
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Then, the rise of suspicion ... how things could of been set up with intent. Is this part of resentment or some blind paranoia that rummages through, stealing any feeling? Soooooooo ...22
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here come the personal persecution; why feel this way, what causes it, is it something I've contracted over the years, when did this come about, what triggers, if any, is there enough attention both ways to drive this through ... am I holding onto something I can never experience, but only in mind; am I hurting the other knowing or unknowing party by holding on? 24
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These are the hard questions. They twist and tear the emotional head right off, leaving nothing ... but a feeling of emptiness. 26
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Doesn't matter the person or what has been thought to cause those emotions .. its always easier to blame rather than accept the circumstance and contend with each personal issue. Its easy to leech, to bond to or crutch on those around when a supporting cast is present ... just as it is as easy to escape in drugs, work, depression and/or thoughts of death. You will not normally find a happy, energetic person when under the influence .. its usually to dodge an emotional issue or burden .. and damn do I have a lot of them.28
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I believe gender has little significance in the quote below; I believe it is universal. 32
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"I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind."
- Clementine Kruczynski played by actor Kate Winslet 36
This quote comes from the movie Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind37
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source: http://www.saidwhatmovies.com/moviequote/im_just_a_fucked_up_girl_312 39
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