The truth about suicide is that its not the easy way out as people see it. It takes more guts and heart to end your own life. Its funny that people say that those who do take their lives are takeing the easy way out. And to be honest those who say that have never been at the end of their rope or road. They have never really hit the bottom of a pit that there is no way out of. I have tried to tell myself that I would not take my own life but as the days pass and i see there is nothing left for me. I have no real friends and the only ones who really care about me are my kids. I dont want to leave them and i know their lives would be even harder if i did leave this place. But as i sit here at 130 in the morning looking at where i am going i see that i am just playing the fool who blindly dances down the path that leads to a cliff. How far away the edge is i cant honestly say but what i can say is that once i do reach the end and i go over the edge i know i will fall because on something capable of flight will survie the jump. I am far from a saint hell im far from god fearing or anything that would be considered half ass good. I have been in the depths of self hatred and hopelessness for so long now i do not see a way out. Well i do and as things pile up I see that the only embrace i can look forward to is that of the cold . With everything i have seen and everything i have had a chance to experince i have to say that other than being a father and having the love of my babies the only other thing that helps me hang on is my drugs. Before you condim me look at where i have come from . Look at the path that i have traveled , the choices i have had to make , the things i have done and then you will see that the only way to cope with the memories pain and everyother emotion that surges through me is to stay high. I do my best to keep my darkness away from my kids. But it is the darkness that i live in that has shaped me into this decrepid form . I know we are suppose to teach our children not to hate , to be kind and forgiving . We are suppose to teach them to be good . As i see things this world is fucked and there is no reason for me to teach my kids to be kind or forgiving to any of the humans in this damn world unless they truely deserve it which is vry fuckin rare . As i stated at the begining suicide is not the easy way out . And if you say it is your full of shit and you honestly dont know what the fuck your talkin about. The day you realize that no matter what choice you make you are damned , that no matter how much you do the right thing it is never enough , when you find yourself sitting up at 2 in the morning starein down the barrel of a gun or counting out each little pill , or loading a bump to help you permently let go then you can speak until then sit back and shut the fuck up. The day you see that you really are alone an that there is no one who you can actually talk to who will listen then you may offer your oppion but until the day you find yourself at the end of your road looking over the edge and realize that the fall isnt really as far as you had thought then and only then can you even begin to say shit. Its funny at times i see we are all like a fuckin stray dog no matter what someone does to us in the end we still go back to them . I find myself looking at the pictures of people from my past just to torture myself and to prove to myself there is no good left in this damn world . Everyone is always out for theirselves . With the old saying "do on to others as you would have them do on to you " The way i see it is " do on to others before they do on to you" Even the so called best friends are a crock of shit or at least it has been my experince . I have not met anyone yet who has not turned their back on me except for my kids. I have been dissed on pissed on and beat down by almost everyone in this fuckin world and i have had enough . I see that suicide is not the right choice for me just yet . But the day my babies are all grown up happy with life and no longer need me then that day i will begin my final walk. It sounds so clecahe but the day my babies no longer need me then i will see exactly how long it will take for me to drink and drug myself into eternity. No need for guns razors ropes or water . Alcohol and drugs are going to be my method that i will promise anyone . Because those are the only real friends i have and i figure that since they have been there for me for so many years now that it would be a fitting end to have them take away my pain for good . Right now im sitting here with a fully loaded 380 pistol beside me finding my hand sliping over the grip and on the table i have a kitchen knife a light bulb and a razor blade all looking so tempting . BUT as far as the gun and blades go its not my time yet and the light bulb is there empty cuz i aint got anything to put in it. I have seen the other side one time and since then life has not been the same . What i saw was nothing just a almost empty void . Just a small glimmer of light that seemed so far away it was like a star in the night sky. And as i look back at the events that led up to that experince i see that it was lindseys, lynns ,and my moms fault that i got to see that dark place. and as i decide to end this little write i leave you with this .....................1
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MOST HUMANS ARE SHIT MOST DONT EVEN DESERVE TO BREATH LET ALONE LIVE YET THOSE ARE THE ONES WHO LIVE AND THOSE OF US WHOM HAVE HAD TO FIGHT FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE , THOSE OF US WHO HAVE HAD EVERYTHING STRIPPED AWAY ARE THE ONES WHO DIE..5
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ALSO TO WHOM EVER READS THIS IF YOU SAY ANY FUCKING THING ABOUT GOD HELPING ME YOU ARE A SORRY ASS FUCKING FOOL WHO NEEDS TO TAKE THEIR OWN LIFE........... GOD IS A FUCKING MYTH 8
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