As some of Y/you know. i have had a mental breakdown as of recently. i have taken a step back from my "norm" and am now working on myself as a whole. trying to stay away from the "drama" of every one else.
While I have done so, i noticed a lot of my past keeps getting brought into the mix. and so i have been trying to close those doors and move on. It is harder to do than i thought. there are things i know that i will never "get over" and there are things i really do need to get over to move on with my life.
when i was young i was sexually abused by a family friend and my mother had blamed me for it. although it was an innocent act of a child that brought me to get abused, my mother didnt see it that way. and so i have carried that burden with me through my 20 some years of living. and although in reality it WAS NOT my fault, but the illness of this man, i still belived my mom. i kept on telling myself she was wrong, ad it was not my fault i still in ways believed her. and it was ruined my romance life completely. with flashbacks that would never leave me. in my delema of trying to put closer on things as this, i have many supports, and so i tried using them. turning to the one person i knew had the best insight. my cousin which has been in Prison for as long as i have been alive, and a "recovering" sex offender himself. I poored my heart out to him in a letter a few weeks/months ago, stating the victim roles which i have had to live with these 26 years. It was sooo heartfelt and peacful that do believe i have put it behind me. i have not had the strong as they usually are. i give thanks to him so much for allowing me to do so. 1
this is going to be an on going thing on closing my past.
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Of all the people to thank. Especially others who had tried to help. Pasts are a hard thing to let go of, and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some things will never be forgotten. Just make sure that events of the past are dealt with and left behind, but not the people. Im not speaking of myself, but of three others that depend on you.
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dont EVER EVER try thais again to hold MY children over MY head. it's bullshit and if you keep it up there will be repermending you. thanks for your thoughts but i dont need them.
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