People go through the motions. Depression is something I do not identify with, so I’ve always had trouble with bouts of sadness. 1
I am going though an internal struggle, struggling to feel like myself...but smiling is one thing I will never forget how to do. I reflect upon these motions I am stumbling through hazily and go nowhere. I may make conclusions, even work out the answers and solutions to my problems...but I walk on by myself.2
I’ve felt like this for the past 6 months or so, since my illness flared up. There is fog in the brain. I feel quirks and wounds in my personality, like it is all buried deep within but there is dirt seeping in and obscuring the view.3
Do people just go through this at one time or another in their life? I think it’s common, and I’m more concerned with the overcoming it part anyway.4
I’ve spent so much time meditating in the forest and soul searching in my bed at night. I will grasp it but it seems to come and go.5
I believe medication has its place in the world, but I think a lot of it is rubbish and incredibly bad for a person. I would rather suffer the full extent of my neurological condition than take a medication that changes the person I am...but I did try medication for my condition. I can hardly remember myself6
I’ve stopped taking them, because I’d rather be sick than give away my soul. Not for a second, do I regret throwing that garbage where it belongs: in the dumpster. 7
One drug was for sleeping at night. Another kept me awake during the day. Certainly, I think using a drug to counteract another drug is never a good method of treatment. I later found out my dose was accidently prescribed too high. A gross over dose even. One drug was supplementing a hormone I was missing so besides depressing me, it altered several of my hormones. I feel like an amnesia patient or a clone. I only look like myself. 8
Since stopping it, I’ve noticed my mood shifting for the better. I’m definitely a lot more rational and I’ve been eating well. However, I still feel quite empty.9
My friends really cannot see that I’m suffering. Nick, Becky, and Biz will all think I’m fine because they don’t have a reason to believe otherwise. I smile, and it’s not a facade. I really am happy when I’m with them. 10
But I am a shell of myself. I feel like I’m just here on this Earth. 11
When I’m with Ryan, I just wonder how on Earth he isn’t bored with me. Sometimes I feel like he is.12
We really haven’t spent much time together. There are reasonable explanations for all the dates he’s had to cancel but sometimes it’s hard for me not to get irrational. I honestly believe what he has to tell me; I trust him...just sometimes...because of how I have felt, my mind is malicious and goes to town on me. Sometimes I forget he has his own set of struggles too. That isn’t fair to him.13
I think I use to make him laugh...I think...When I’m with him I’m clawing at the surface. Maybe I still do make him laugh and I can’t see it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I am acting strangely...which is still a problem anyway.14
I want to cry and tell him everything. I’ve tried so many times but I just want to smile when I’m with him. Isn’t that so weird? I may spend the whole night mentally preparing myself to spill my guts but then I see him and I’m all smiles and kisses.15
I don’t want to spoil our time together. The time I spend with him is so precious I wouldn’t want to make it rotten by not being happy. But maybe at the expense of one happy day, I can make all the others that more genuine. I feel distant from him. We haven’t much time for fun or time to flourish. Maybe he feels some of these things too...if only I would talk to him.16
Now that the medication has been out of my system for a week now and I’m not withdrawing anymore, I should feel like myself again...right? Maybe, but I think the thing that stands between this doped up shell of myself and the girl I am is someone to talk to. The solution seems simple enough, but I can’t work out the equation. Oh math...
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so... it is now the 24th... how is all this going...? Better off the meds? Everything else is a 'psyche' issue- what you perceive (which rarely reflects reality! so be patient and tolerant there... I used to think, "this is what I perceive, now what is reality?" and I'd go out and find out the reality of the situation, which usually upturned my perception... sometimes I think perceptions are something we create to create a mood we need or want, whether they reflect reality or not...
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I am doing better off the meds. I did have a seizure but as strange as it sounds those don't bother me much. This whole situation actually seems so long ago. I think I may have been the only one that thought I was acting strangely.
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
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mairead
If I could give advice, I would, but I've never gone through this quite the way you are, so I don't think my story would help. My heart goes out to you, though, & please know that I am always willing to listen. I hope you find the solution soon. -
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Thank you, each day does get better. A lot of this is passing thoughts...I still wish someone knew, y'know? I think that's where my hang up in the plot is. A lot had to do with my neurological condition and withdrawling from my medicine. The disorder has really backed off since I returned to school and since I've stopped taking the medicine I can actually feel the difference in my hormones...it did make my boobs grow and so far they haven't gone back, hahaha, not complaining.
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