I feel guilty all the time. I don't know how to get rid of it. I've never been that ruthless before, that cold hearted. It doesn't feel like me, it feels evil. How could I do that to somebody that loved me SO fucking much? And whenever he brings it up I just make it worse, make him feel worse. Do I have no fucking heart?
I mean who cheats on their boyfriend and feel nothing. No guilt, no shame, just the desire to do it again. Especially with Mike and Marcus, with how much they hurt me. It's all they are capable of doing, and I just run back to them overandoverandover again.
I feel like I dont deserve better than them, like I deserve to be treated like shit. It feels right, it feels like home to me. I think thats why I pick fights with Andrew so much, because I don't feel worthy of him. He is so amazing, and treats me wonderfully, and I know that I don't deserve that. I'm a horrible person, I do horrible things, and I don't listen to anybody but me.
Chae had it right, I do what I want when I want, and I don't care about who I hurt in the process. The sad thing? I really don't care, I like the way I live my life and I have no desire to change it. At all.
I'm fucked.
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if andrew has stuck around and continues to stick around then you and i both know that you deserve him. stop picking the fights silly goose, and you are not horrible. and you arent fucked either, i havent gotten you naked yet, hahahaha.
iloveyou
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