Sure whatever

So it has come to this I suppose...I can't talk to anyone else in my life about this stuff...so I guess this is all that's left.1

Quite honestly I don't care who reads(well on here anyways) this nor do I care if you agree/disagree with it or whatever. I am just ranting and raving because if I don't I fear for what I may do to me.2

So here it goes...3

I have recently moved out of my house and into a dorm in college...something I have been debating about for close to a year. My step-dad is an alcoholic and has abused me verbally and psychologically since I was a child which caused me to want to move out as quick as I could. On the other hand, I love my mother and brother with all my heart and I hate leaving them in that situation. In addition, I have a brother whom I rarely see and probably never will because of my grandmother and god knows who else. When I was 18 I decided to cut off contact with my father because of things that he did when I was younger. As soon as I did that everything just started going downhill. They got mad at me and then started to convert me by making him sound all high and mighty, yet he is still lying to them. The women he was seeing happened to have a daughter my age and that is how I found out about them dating. It seemed like every kid was asking me about it...and I didn't have the stomach to tell them that he was married. 4

She had three kids the oldest was my age, the middle one, and then the youngest who just happened to be a friend of a friend. We have started talking...however I don't think I can handle seeing him or talking to him much longer it just brings up so many memories. Yet it feels like an obligation because of what my dad did to them (basically not every person is a jerk). I am so scared that he will black mail me or slander me in front of people to where I will have to tell the truth...and I don't know if I could handle that.5

Before that happened...the woman started talking to me...and soon we became fairly close, but she stabbed me in the back and blackmailed my dad saying that we were good friends and had a physical confrontation...yet he still went and saw her...6

IT BROKE MY HEART STRAIGHT IN TWO7

After that I felt like I couldn't trust anybody. Things started hurtling even faster. Soon after I just decided it was best not to risk anything in order to go back to that feeling...even if that meant feeling happiness. Now I can't feel anything almost like I am zombie. I don't want to hang out with friends or make new ones, I don't want to go out or relax. Yet I am lonely, and long for someone to care for me. But I don't want to risk the rejection or misguidance. I just want someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay that no matter what they will love me for me...but it seems like I can't find anybody like that. 8

I just don't know anymore