Let Me Say My Fill..

Hear me out...
Please.1

So over the years I've come to the realization that the only way I can ever truly express myself is with words on paper. I've wanted to say so many things face to face, but I just don't have the strength or the guts. I could say all of this.. I know I could, but I would leave out something and I'd regret it. So, I'm going to write it all down here. Lay it all out in the open. This is all or nothing. I'm not running in circles anymore. I've just got to fix what has been broken for way too damn long.2

For weeks, I've wanted to look at you. I've wanted to smile at you. I've wanted to be nice. I've wanted to laugh, talk, joke, have fun with you. But I've forced myself so violently to stay away. Maybe I thought it's what you've always wanted, maybe I wanted it for myself. In the beginning I was preaching to myself that I was doing this to better me, to help me in the long run. But after months of trying, it's only led me to realize that hating you, or ignoring you doesn't solve my problems.3

This isn't a "please take me back" or an "I love you so much" letter or whatever you want to call this. This is me ending whatever void is left between us. I know you can feel the awkward glances, the awkward bubble of tension between us. I'm not stupid and neither are you. And truthfully, in the end here... I either want all of you, not just half of you, not just occasional here and there, no. I want all of you, or none of you. Now let me explain myself. At this point, I don't want a relationship... as far as it goes, ever again. With anyone at this point. I just want you. Please understand that this is not relationship... At the beginning of the summer, in speech I had to write you a letter. I had to write a letter to the person that has influenced my life the most. There is no margin for anyone else to squeeze in that position. You have always been the biggest influence in my life. For fucks sake, I've built my life around you... I'll get to that later though. But I wrote it to you, because you are what I look for in a person. You. When I think of best friend, or someone I could stand to be with every second of every day, I think of you. All differences aside, I just choose you. You've shown me how to be a friend in a way that no one else can fulfill for me. And I either want all of that, or none of it at all.4

I've found out that I can't do the on or off thing. I can't do the half ass thing. It doesn't work. It kills me. I hate how when I want to care, you yell at me not to care about you, how I'm stupid for caring about you. But when I finally decide to try and not care, you build a huge wall between me and run away. It really kills me to see a look of disgust for me in your eyes. But I'd rather you hate me forever, than in a couple of months be my best friend again.5

There are many many many things that I regret about us. So much. I know that I've said I regret the decisions I made in the truck that night, or any other thing like that. But most of all I regret New Years'. But we've had that discussion many times. But really I don't regret many of those things, I've just said most of them in anger. But the thing I think I truly regret most is the fact that I never searched for closure between us. You know, I wake up one morning, everything is fine. And then comes night and the world falls apart. Safetysuit has a song that says "I never knew you could love someone then choose to change your mind." I never searched for the answer.. And I should have. Maybe it would have saved me from all these months and months of serious depression.6

And I'm sure you think that "Wow. How dumb? Depression over a breakup? Immature." Yes, on some sort of level, I'm sure it is immature. But this is real life. Not a game. Life. Truth is, I should have gone to a doctor a LONG time ago and got on antidepressants. Truthfully. I really should have. I've already told you that I don't want to ever be in a relationship, ever again. And that's because I'm so fucking scared that they won't be you. They will NEVER be you. I've talked to people about my 200+ scars. But I never talk about the one that no one can see. Emotional scars don't go away. I don't want you to feel bad, because you won't. I know you. I'm sure I've already lost your attention span by now. But I'm going to keep writing.7

Once again, I'm not saying all this in hopes for you coming back to me and life is all lovey dovey and happy and gay and whatever other bullshit that goes along with that. I don't remember what happy is. I haven't been in quite some time. Which is why I'm here in this situation writing this. In search for happiness. I want closure. I want peace. I want to be able to walk around and not have my brain screaming at me to force my eyes to wander the room until I know where you are at all times. I want to be able to think about life, about joy, about school, about band, about friends, about other things other than your name always trickling on the back of my thoughts. It's unnerving. Now, I surrounded myself around you after we broke up in hopes that we would work things out. Big mistake. Acadec... Probably the worst mistake of my life. I joined to be with you. I worked my ass off to be with you. I failed and couldn't be with you. You became family with everyone that wasn't me. So I stayed to bust my ass again. And now that I'm succeeding... I almost wish I hadn't. That class is torture.. I can feel that bubble of tension engulfing me in that room... I love learning.. I love the challenge. I just can't handle us.. Surround myself in you was bad from the start. I guess that's why I was reluctant to do SCA. I wanted you to have one thing that I'm not trying to smother you in. But I don't mind being here. As long as I fix what is dangling by a single hair follicle.8

I've talked to many people about this.. But still I can never get satisfaction in words that they say. Amanda and I just recently got close again. And she convinced me to write this. And I think it's for the best.. I don't care that I'm the biggest mistake of your life. I don't care that you hate me at times. I changed myself to try and impress you. That only dug my grave deeper. But I'm working to change. To find myself again. Who I was before I got caught up in you. I don't want to impress you anymore. I don't want to be with you anymore. I just want you. That may not make any sense at all, but I hope that you know me well enough to know what I'm trying to say. You know you still know me better than anyone.. And I want all or nothing. Either way works for me.. If I ever meant anything to you, we'll work through this.. If I still mean anything to you.. But if I don't. It's okay. I just need answers. I need to find peace. Help me, and I'll help myself the rest of the way.9


I'm sure you'll find a way to get a hold of me.
I just hope you read all of this..10

Just hear me out..
Please.