Confessions From A Broken Heart

Tonight I went to church.1

I go to church all the time. My mom forces me to go, I hate it. I've struggled with faith for years and years. Being gay and Christian at the same time just doesn't seem to click. But tonight, I saw something I have never seen before. My friends are radical Christians. People who like to get excited, speak, pray, dance, laugh, even speak in tongue. It was something I had never really seen before. It was exciting, yet at the same time very frightening. I've never been in a situation like so, and I was very uncomfortable.2

But tonight, of all nights, the pastor preached on love.
If you know me, in any shape or form, I breathe love.3

He told me that, "God is love. He is the creator of love. There is no such thing as love without God." Yes initially, this sounds like a load of bullshit to me at first. But then things got crazy. He talked about being alone, being unhappy, about cutting, about sex, about all the bad things. Yeah, it's cliche to say "Oh my gosh. He's talking to me." And no, I don't think he was talking to me. And maybe this is just something I needed to hear tonight or something and it's got me acting weird. But he asked everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes. He asked those of the people who wanted to get saved and find God to raise there hand. A few hands raised. He asked those who had known God but stopped living for him to raise their hands. Some hands raised. But I know that if I were to raise my hand, that would be were I should. I probably should have, but I didn't feel comfortable with it. Then he asked everyone to go to the front that had raised their hands. He started to pray for each person individually while a woman played guitar in the background. It was odd, because I had never seen anything like this. He made all of us go to the front, and it was like a huge praying session for all of us teenagers. My heart dropped. The youth leaders started praying for people. A girl next to me cried and cried and cried for her dying grandfather. Many people came and prayed for her. A somewhat gothic girl beside me got prayed for. People prayed to her. They went down the line and prayed to everyone individually.4

Except me.5

Everyone got prayed for multiple times. It was so emotional. So touching. I felt like crying my eyes out the whole time I was there. My heart aches as I type this. It's hard to breathe. I felt like I was seeing God. Maybe I had known God all my life. I live for love. It's the only thing I have ever fully believed in. And to find out that God is love... Maybe I have known God all along... But then, people start praying... And everyone in that room, knew not to pray to me... They glanced at me, and moved on. Like I had a veil of "don't pray for him, he doesn't deserve it" about me... I know there is something out there... Maybe it's God. And it scares me that in a room full of Christians, people instilled with God, I'm not worthy enough for prayer. I'm not good enough to be loved in the eyes of Christians. Yes, maybe you can say, well the youth fucked up. But no. I know that God was there.. It's weird to say that, but I know something was there. Just not there for me..6

Maybe I'm losing my mind. Maybe I just want there to be something bigger out there. Maybe there isn't a God. Maybe there is. All I know is that something happened tonight that let me know that I'm dying inside. I've been dying. And I'm slowly losing myself. I dedicated almost two years of my life to loving someone who never wanted to love me, and it kills me now because I'm not loved. No one can love me. Not even God. And I can't stop crying because in a room full of Christians.. I'm just that one person who didn't deserve a thirty second prayer of love.7

I love. Period.8

But I'm not worthy of the only thing I live for.9


Just a confession from a broken heart..