Entry 4

Now, back to my over analization of past events that have set me on my current path of feeling not so great about myself.

In reality, journalling as a tool is not about over analyzing anything or finding some magic formula that will make everything in todays world perfect. For me it is simply about getting honest about the little things along the way that I have done, bought into or reacted to. It is about assuming responsibility for my own state of affairs rather than handing control of my life to everyone and everything around me. It is about becoming a survivor rather than a victim.

At any rate, after the pants episode, one of my coworkers and I took some pictures of each other having fun around the gym. Unfortunately the pictures were taken in these same culprit pants that started me feeling less than attractive in the first place. Of course, when I saw the pics, my first thought was, "Geez, I look a little frumpy." And so it continued.

The truly good thing that happened during that particular fall season, was that I quit smoking on Sept 11, 2007. I never intended for it to happen on that date and only realized later in the day. I had just finished reading a book called, "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by a guy name Allen Carr. I finished the book before I went to bed on Sept 10 and never smoked again.

It was actually an amazing thing for me. It is actually a very poorly written book if a person was giving it a critical review, but it helped me change what was going on between my ears about "giving up" cigarettes. So, even with the frumpy pants, I had a major victory. And I kept my weight gain within reason. I gained about 5 pounds and all my old clothes--except that one pair of pants, fit just like they always had.

Still I focused on those stupid pants. I don't know why I didn't simply get rid of them. I suppose that it is another one of those things that we women continue to buy into. You must fit the pants no matter what!!!!!

I am sure I am not alone. I saw a preview of the movie "Double Wedding" the other day where I heard Kate Hudson scream at her boyfriend, "You don't alter Vera Wang, you alter yourself to fit Vera!"

Yep, that's the spirit! And that spirit drives some of us to extremes. Granted, were I a normal minded person, I would simply take the non fitting pants, get my eating under control in a healthy manner and go on with my life. I would quickly figure out that I JUST DON'T LIKE THOSE DAMN PANTS.

I am not all that normal minded though. First I have an addictive personality. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic. I don't know if my addictive personality is as a result of becoming an alcoholic/addict or if I had the personality first. It doesn't really matter much because the results are the same. The warped thinking is in place and healthy solutions must be found so that I can overcome any destructive behavior that my addictions can think up.

For some reason, I , like many others have that voice in the back of my head that always is there to point out the shortcomings. And I have an eating disorder of sorts. I compulsively overeat to change the way I feel. Some people starve, some people eat and throw up, some people over exercise, I overeat.

Often compulsive overeating is treated like a simple moral dilemna rather than an addiction or disorder. The world recognizes eating disorders like anorexia and bulemia. And it should, they are dangerous conditions that need to be dealt with. And I do not minimize the seriousness of these conditions when I refer to myself as "half bulemic".

I can binge, I just cannot purge. This is why diet pills have never worked for me. Hunger is not the issue. I do not have to be hungry to eat.

Well, I suppose there is a certain type of hunger involved, but it is not a physical I need food, stomach growling hunger. It is more of a spiritual hunger. A twisting in the pit of the stomach far beyond the actual churning of the digestive organ. It is a hole in the soul that is not much different than the emptiness I felt in the throws of alcoholism.

I honestly believe that it is another layer of addiction. It rests in my spirit and I really believe that my solution is spiritual in nature. I believe that my true self esteem comes from the fact that I was made exactly the way my creator wanted me and that I am good enough for Him.

Of course, finding my way to an actual experience with that fact and having it become applicable in my daily life and actions is the key. That daily application is what I am looking for and I have no doubt that I will eventually get there if I just hold to my main objective which is simply

To stop lying and do whatever right things I am able to do right now.

Honesty allows me to see my behavior for what it is and if I do 1 right thing over and over again, it makes it easier to do just 1 more. Pennies become dollars if you pick up enough of them.