Entry 3

Why is it that once I know that negative thinking is attempting a slip into I life, I don't just put up a gate with a lock on it and keep it out? Nooooooo, I seem to feed it instead. Even though I know. Even though I often recognize destructive thinking in its seed form, I still have tendency to water and nourish it into a sprout that eventually becomes the vine that tries to choke the life out of me.

Fortunately, over the years I have learned to nourish a few spiritual vines that generally prove to be the lifeline to pull me out of whatever rut I have glued myself into. You see it is rarely that life sneaks up on me and deals me some blow that pulls me into some old way of life. It would be nice--NOT--if I did not have to ultimately assume some responsibility for my life condition.

I say NOT because assuming responsibility for my own state of affairs gives me a certain freedom. It may be embarrasing and hard to swallow as a stone, but it gives me the ability to change myself into a person who can better cope, be happier and be of service to others. In order to begin any possitive change in my life, I have to stop blaming people, places, circumstance, anything outside myself.

Yes, life happens, but so what? If it didn't I would be dead. Since I am not quite ready for the grave, I have to live in the "life happens" realm. I have absolutely no control over things outside of myself period. period. and period. Sometimes it seems that I have no control over myself either, but again that is just the brat child who lives way deep inside of me and screams things like "Fat" when the clothiers cut down on how much fabric they put in work out clothing.

Does anyone see a connection there? You go to the gym, you see clothes hanging there to try on. You pick up your normal size and try it on and it is just a little snug. You come back to the gym. Tricky eh?

Now I am not saying that anyone at my gym or even with Corporate thought that one through. But that is exactly how my brain worked. I did notice that a few months later the clothing started being made a little differently. I think they may have changed suppliers.

Still, I cannot blame the clothiers for my tendencies to over eat or self destruct in any other manner. I live in a world that is never going to tell me that I am good enough. The television, advertisers, movies, even the circle that is my immediate world or coworkers, friends etc is always going to give me reason to call myself into question in petty ways.

When is the last time you watched a commercial and thought, "Oh, I don't need that, I am beautiful."

At the very least, that is a rarity because these companies are in business to sell you on the fact that you desperately need them badly enough to give them a bunch of money. Now, I love make up, jewelry, clothes, shoes, hair color etc as much as anyone. It is fun. It makes you feel all girly.

That part is not the problem. A girl should be able to have fun and feel good. Though you have to wonder about the theory that if you smear some blue or green gunk on your eyelids, he will like you. Has anyone ever had a guy say, "Oh, baby, I love your eye shadow." Of course, the better you feel, the more of his attention you command.

Comercials are not meant to make us feel good about ourselves. They are meant to make us aware of our shortcomings and the very expensive solution to our problems. And I buy into it as much as any other woman. I watch the wrinkle cream commercial and look in the mirror and see an 80 year old face. I am only 51, and in reality, I don't have an 80 year old face, but that is what I see until I smear crap all over my face that I paid a lot of money for. The truth is, none of it actually makes me look any less wrinkled, but it does make my make up go on easier and keeps my dry skin from getting flakey.

Well, now it is time to go smear crap on my face so that I can go out in public without scaring small children. --See what I mean? Those advertising people are definately worth more money than those auto industry CEO's. In fact, if they were doing the marketing for American car's there would be no auto bailout right now.