Again?

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Why is this happening? When i get closer to letting go it comes back and pulls me like a wave, i try to escape but it pulls me in little by little. I never thought that i would be needed in such a way, especially not by him. After all the tears am i prepared to shed more? And what about the present, now that his existence has come back to me and is now part of the presence, what am i supposed to do? Can that ruin my vision of the future to make it a blur? Can that really make me go back to hopping that the past comes and rescues me from my once painful life, the blinded that was so dark and thick that i couldn't see the wrong behind it. One thing that i have learned is that people don't change, but what if that person has? why am i even dauting this if in my heart i know that this person has not changed one bit? it frustrates me, now i cant think, as i once was, hopping that the dark past comes back, and i again blinded, why should i even hope for this if it can not be? and i have learned the wrong by the one who cares. But lately i have felt so alone, and i don't know what to do, although this is what i want, its hurting me, killing me, although i see it in plain sight. but will i be willing to through it all away for another stupid mistake? maybe so, but right now I'm confused, and i don't have a reason why i should be. Its like heroin, it feels sod good and tastes so sweet but even though you know its wrong, and theirs 2 choices to make, you know that doing it is not a choice, its not supposed to be in your thoughts, but it still makes you crave it, and even though the person who took you away from it is the one you have to go for help, you just cant help it! its like your worthlessly addicted, its hard to let go, and right when your about to forget the horrible addiction, it comes back to you, like a sharp pain from a penetrating knife, you feel a faint feeling of the sensation inside you, and you just want more, even if its wrong, you still want more, you just cant stop.... 7