Genesis 5

I sat in the Housing office, missing my laptop desperately. I hated the curved, separated keyboard that was connected the the flat Dell screen. It had been a long day of training and emotional distress. After two hours of the phone with Becca, my closest friend since childhood, I mustered the necessary courage and sent Lance a text that simply said "I hate the distance." His reply stated that he did as well and that it was only going to get harder as I got busier. This was true, but it was near impossible to abandon anything. I had decided to graduate early and my resume needed the help if I had any hope for acceptance to graduate school. I replied with "I wonder if graduating early was the right decision. I want this to work." 1

An hour later, I sat in the office, waiting for a reply. It was far too deep a conversation to be having over text, so I sent another text stating this. I did not take the time or mind to appreciate the irony and idiocy of this action. I contemplated what life would be like without Lance, my first true lover. Was not being with him at all better than being with him sometimes? In my mind, the answer was no because the latter had the potential to yield permanent results. I wondered if the same held true for him. 2

I knew my heart would break, probably with more pain than I had ever experienced. I knew that the anguish and the sorrow would be beyond anything I could presently comprehend. But I knew I would survive. I would lock my heart away and let it heal for a time I had not yet determined. I would probably even apply for the Peace Corps, a dream I had always held if marriage had not been in the agenda. I knew that I would heal in time, that I would move forward and learn from my experience, but that didn't mean I wanted to. I had stated it plainly to Lance, "I want this to work," and I meant it. It was from him that I had first heard, "The saddest thing in the world is loving some one who used to love you."