Some days it just feels like you are dragging your body through the muck. Actually it has been a bit longer than that. It seems that the self esteem bucket has dipped a little low lately. Well, if you call the last year and a half "lately".
Like most women, or maybe even people in general, I have fought the low self esteem battle off and on most of my life. But since about August of 2007 it has been all out war and sometimes I think that I am losing. I suppose you never lose till you give up, but it still takes a lot out of a person to fight with yourself on a daily basis.
Sometimes the war is triggered by things outside myself, but in reality, it always boils down to how I feel about me. I am really the most judgemental person I know when it comes to me. That over critical attitude is based in a fear that I will be bopping along being all happy with myself and then--bam--someone will inform me that I suck.
Has that ever happened? Well, yes it has. Was I affected? You damn right I was and still am. The most obvious indication is that I have gained weight. Not back to my original 230, but enough that I know if I don't take care of my insides, my outsides will not be healthy either.
The thing is, I have no control over anything any other human being does, thinks or demands. The only solution that I can truly find is to change the way I react to those outside influences in a way that actually makes me a better, more confident woman. After all, if my belief systems and the way I react to the world do not make me a better person who can make a bigger, more possitive difference in the lives of those around me, then, what good is it.
So, I am going to be just looking honestly at some of the incidents that have affected me over the last year and a half and maybe beyond. Journaling can be an great tool in getting to the bottom of my own actions and reactions. I have used it often to gain some perspective by writing the storm out on paper then standing on the outside and viewing it from the calm.
Hope no one finds it all too boring, but then again, I suppose if you don't like it then there are plenty of other things around to read.
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Sigh...
I can relate to this in every way, especially the weight gain. The more stress I am under, the more weight I gain.
When I realized that I can't control other people, but only myself in the way I respond to them, it was very liberating. I am glad to see that you have that figured out too.
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Recent Journals
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