untitled

i feel so alone right now. it's like the entire world is racing by me and i am just watching everything passing by. it's hard to watch this, but it's harder to live it.1

i feel so guilty right now too. it's because i recently (yesterday!) told my boyfriend (i didn't actually tell it to his face. Facebook and phone message) that i wasn't going to call him anymore, because i was tired of not being able to get ahold of him. 2

this is the message i sent him:3

'i know tuesday is your b-day, but i wanted to know if you had a few free minutes. it's the only free time i really have until i go to school unless you want to wait 3 weeks to see me. (i have the 15th free) take your pick. btw, i am not going to be calling you. if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to get ahold me for once. i'm not going to spend my time chasing after you. 4

sorry for putting it so bluntly...today has not been a good day and i don't have the patience to figure out a tactful way to put it.5

also, i should say that you shouldn't take this the wrong way. it may sound bad, but it's not. i'm just thinking that i'm tired of calling you, just to have you not call me back. i would like to talk to you more, but if you don't see the need, then i guess i don't either...6

god, i can't say any of this without sounding so...tactless...i apologize for the way this sounds...i would be able to explain this better in person but i completely understand if you take this the wrong way.'7

now i am so worried that he's going to take it the wrong way and never talk to me again. my mom said that she thinks he'll call me, at least to just tell me what he thinks. but i don't think he will...i told her that and she just looked at me and said, "well, there's your answer then." 8

i couldn't do anything but cry last night. it was so hard to think about this whole deal. and the worst (but maybe the best) part is, i am going to college in 25 days. maybe it's easier to break up with him now, as opposed to later. 9

but if i do that, then there's 2 years down the drain. i don't trust people as it is, and i have to learn how to trust them. it's hard for me to find a reason to trust them. i can talk to people, but i don't tell them things, just because of my history.10

my mom said it would be easier to do it now, than wait until later, but what she doesn't understand is Steve is the one who thought it would be a good idea to keep dating next year. i am going to be two and a half hours away...coming home 3 times...it's not going to work, but then again, i live 5 miles from him and it's not working now...