Grief

I feel as though I've held this sadness in so long, it's all crashing down on me. I almost feel like I'm suffocating. I sit here, alone with my thoughts. I can't stop thinking about her. I think about the past. I think about what we did when I was younger. I think about high school, and how big of a role she played in shaping me into the person I am today. And I also think about the nightmare my dad and I went through as we watched her wither away in front of us. For the first time in my life, my mother was weak. She was never weak...vulnerable. Never. And then, right before my eyes, I watched her appetite fade, I watched her mind give out, and finally I watched her body let go. I'll never be able to explain to anyone how it feels to lose half of your main support when you're eighteen, just finishing high school, and ready to start the rest of your life. She won't be here to see me finish college. She won't see my photography career take off. She won't see me get married...meet her grandchildren. I know she's in heaven. I know she'll see it. But she won't be here with me. I feel depressed. I feel angry. But most of all, I feel scared. Yes, I have my dad, my friends, the rest of my family...but not my mother. I've had her here to help me all my life, and now all of a sudden things are being thrown at me, and I have to do it on my own. I feel alone. I'm terrified of failing. I've held it in for so long, I'm scaring myself. I'm so unmotivated. Not hungry. Not tired. Nothing. I feel empty. Numb. I guess I just don't know what to do anymore.

The counselor I'm seeing told me to write about it...so here I am.