Limbo

wow seems unreal how one day can completely change the course of your future. Thats just how life is though, most of it spent in limbo waiting for the next big change. So now I am finding myself in this place, one that is scary and heartbreaking to say the least. Realising the only course of action that is true to my heart and who I am is an eminent divorce from my husband and who I thought was my best friend.
I look at the last few years and wonder how things could have gone so wrong in such a short span of time. What I could have done to possibly deserve to have my trust so completely violated... I find myself without answers and I imagine that even if there were I wouldnt agree with them anyway. There is a part of me that wonders if I will be able to just walk away and never look back. 20 years is a long time to be friends with a person to simply close the door forever. I feel as though if I were to allow myself to feel anything for Mike right now I wouldnt be able to do what I know is right for myself. A relationship just can not flourish without trust and there are some things that a person just cant forgive.1

I think I will write more on this later2

so I am back to write a little more here. Just trying to get my thoughts moving in a straight line. Its rather hard to do at the moment. The first thing that comes to mind is my arrogance. Thinking I had life nailed down, I really thought I had found my place and this was it for me. I keep hearing "dont blame yourself" and I want to think that I have no blame but we all have our share of blame. I suppose I hold my own in this situation, maybe not for his actions but definitely for my own. I keep thinking how much easier it would have been if he had cheated, not that that is easy either but easier for me to understand. I am the kind of person that easily forgives. Maybe because I see my own faults and realise everyone has them. I dont think there is forgivness inside myself right now, maybe never. I sit here and scrutinize every decision I have made, every reaction I have given. I have always believed that a person molds their own destiny and I think now how much could be different, the what if I's just tearing through me. 3

I really am a strong person, its a curse and a blessing. I am glad for it and at the same time I want the freedom of it, I want to be weak, I want to scream and cry, I want to be able to break down and let circumstance strangle me. I cant do any of that. The conditioning of the heart is the same as the body, when you are hurting physically your body pushes out chemicals to numb the pain. The heart and mind do the same and over time you just become what I have become. How sad is it that even though I am destroyed, my heart just ripped out of me, left with this gaping bloody fucking hole I still am not surprised. Not surprised at all. This numb knowledge that everyone in this planet, once allowed to get close enough WILL hurt you. Your parents, siblings, children, friends, lovers... all of them. 4

How do I justify moving on, with that knowledge? Live just for the sake of life. The world is a tainted dirty place and we are the pigs that wallow in it. Trying to live on the other side of the shit pile. Thats a sad fucking thought right there and honestly I wish I didnt know it, wish I could deny it, wish I could pretend that its all good things and sweet flowers. The reality is we dredge through life overcoming the shit pile and we are just waiting for the occasional flower that grows from it, the flower always dies. So what do I live for now? what do I live for now....