i already know

i just want to write this cause i need to. i have been with the same man for 8 years. i have had 2 beautiful children with him but yet i feel like i was never really attached. i love him yes, but was i ever really in love? and can you ever really be in love with someone that you are constantly changing yourself to please? i don't really know i guess. i have been through alot more then the normal person should ever have to but yet i question my strength. my life has been one hardship one obstacle after another. i feel like i should be stronger then this. i miss my old self. no questions, i saw what i wanted and went after it, especially with men. now i question everything. so many men have walked back into my life since the single life has graced me. and i have alot in common with most of them but i still find myself searching for peace. i know i shouldn't want that kind of peace so near to the loss, but i do. i long for the day that i am with someone, that i may give myself to them completely. lay down all my faults and know that they don't care, not that they are just saying they don't care. to put such trust in someone seems strange to me now. i feel pulled to a certain someone very much and fighting it seems like an uphill climb and i'm never going to reach the top. i guess i'm scared to love again, to open myself up to such pain. i know that isn't how i should feel and i know that you will never find love unless you are open to it but the timeless fear of rejection is always relevant. i spent 8 years being rejected by the one person i should have trusted not to. how am i every going to grow some balls and tell this person what i really think? the pain is to fresh in my mind. if he didn't love me, then why would anyone else?