Fingers at the keys, suddenly my mind has gone blank. I needed a release. For a while I considered entering a dark contest with some heartwrenching sad poety, then I realised, that wouldn't alleviate my eartache rght now. Anything I write wouldn't relate to me, just add to the overwhelming chaos of millions of stung words put together to try and impress someone. They dont mean anything. Not really.1
So I opted for the void. Let's face it, who's really going to sit and read through this, as if it really matters to anyone but me. You don't know me, I'm no one, just another fae in the crowd, an unheard voice, lost amongst the waves of shining distractions. What do I matter? 2
This time 2 years ago, I was held responsible for a friend's death, simply because I hadn't heard my phone ring and talked her out of the noose. It was something I often did for her, that time I wasn't there, She lost her life. I wasn't alowed to the funeral, and still haven't been to the grave. Part of me knows her parent's dont really hate me, that they must know I can't possibly have been responsible, they just needed a scapegoat, a lease for their anger, pain, sorrow. I was there. I tried to kill myself soon after. Needless to say it didn't work.3
On the 16th October, 2007, I was raped for the 3rd time. With so many break-ins, and so much abuse over the years, it was inevitable really, I fell pregnant, and having terminated a previous pregnancy resulting from another rape I decided I couldn't handle murdering anyone else. I loved everything about my bump, and I still love everything abut my little girl, she's perfect, and she's also the only reason i'm itting here, typing to a void, instead of throwing my life away again. Anyon who stumbles across this may think its a whiny cry for attention, or something along those lines. It isn't. This is me fighting to stay alive for her. 4
Life has taught me so far, that men, they just abuse you, women just bitch about you, everyone uses you, and no one seems to care about anyon but themselves. The world has shown me all my life that I am nothing, nobody, I don't matter. 5
So I sit here, Tears rolling from my eyes, my heart pounding in my chest from anger, and desperation. Fingersshaking, and my head aching slightly from trying to fathom WHY it has to be so damn hard. Why the world just seems out to screw you.6
Well world, you can swivel on it, because you're not beating me. Not tonight. As long as that little girl needs me I am going NOWHERE. Send your abusive male heathens, your wolves in the night. I'll beat them all back now. I'll protect her from you. She is the only reason I'm still here, and I'm damn well not going to let her down.7
So here I am, A nameless face, a faceless voice, and to anyone that read this, a voiceless thought. 8
I'm not giving up.
Adding your comment: