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Part 1: Why do people say they could care less? They should say they couldn't care less, because when they say they could care less, they're saying that they do care. Why don't people get that? Are they really that lazy these days that they can't add the extra syllable to make the statement sensible? 2
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Part 2: I know I've posted the lyrics to this song before, but they are just soooo powerful to me at the moment, so I'll spare you and just give you the link: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/12stones/worldsocold.html That's to World So Cold by 12 Stones. 4
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Part 3: This summer is going by way too fast, and it's really not fair. I worked my ass off this year and was so exhausted, and then summer came and I thought it would all be okay. Well, obviously it's not. I'm not anywhere near ready for summer to be over because I can't deal with all of this senior year. I'm in no way excited for what's to come, and I don't even want my 17th birthday to come. I want to have a redo of my 16th year. Nothing went right this year, and I feel like it was stolen. Isn't this supposed to be a landmark year? Well, I'm pretty sure mine could be considered the landmark iceburg that sank the Titanic. Yes, that's accurate enough. 6
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Part 4: Does anyone else get seriously annoyed by the stupid sailboats in the default background of these journals? I know that right about now, I feel like I could rip up their sails and fly them through a shredder, one by one, slowly and painfully. 8
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Part 5: How can so many contradictions be running through my thoughts at the same time? How can I be offended by my own self-hate? How is it possible that there are so many words that want to get out, and yet they cling to the roof of my mouth and the tips of my fingers? Why would I apologize to the very people that I loathe? How is it that I hate everything that's happening, but I refuse to do a single damn thing about it? Why do I let these questions get to me so much?10
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Part 6: I hate that I have actually been able to be positive these last 2 weeks or so, especially since things have been sort of extreme, and then today, when it's calmed down, I plummet. I hate how I haven't truly been 'okay' in a long time. I hate how I feel the need, this past month more than ever, to force myself into being "happy". I hate that I don't know what that is anymore. I hate how I avoid the questions that I need to answer the most sometimes. I hate how stubborn I am, even with myself. I hate so many things, so many people, so many ideas, but I really hate the way that I never seem to direct that hate where it needs to be. 12
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Part 7: I've heard depression defined as anger turned inward, and I do believe that that's true for a lot of cases, but I think there's a contradiction in that statement to be found. I don't believe that depression is a specific feeling. I think that for some people, it's the attempt to get away from feeling. I think it's the mind's defense against anger that can't be released, or hurt that can't be expressed. Maybe it's the questions that will never be answered, and the problems that won't be helped. It's the mind pulling back away from the chaos of feelings. Instead of having to deal with the anger, disappointment, problems, and hurt, the brain mixes them all into one category called depression. It's just like colors (in my eyes, anyway). Anger is red, sadness is purple, etc. Depression is all of them mixed together, with no specific one in mind. That's my view anyway. 14
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Part 8: I miss my friends. Pathetic as it sounds, I have no friends out here in the real world. I fucked it all up. I withdrew after the first time I was raped, and by the third time, I had lost them all. Some of them didn't know what had happened, some of them did. Some of them didn't believe me, and some of them just didn't care. These people were my best friends, and now almost every one of them hates me. The best of them lives right down the road from me. The last time I went to see her at her house was when we had a huge fight because I was really upset that day and I didn't want to tell her why. She begged me for hours, and I finally told her part of it, and her initial reaction was disbelief. Then came the anger. I eventually got the door shut in my face. She's talked to me since, told me that my problems were just too big for her to deal with, and that we're better off seperate, so we can live our own lives without worrying about the other one. The last time she came to my house, we physically fought. I was fed up with her and so so angry with everything and when she hit me, I just went off on her. Her boyfriend was interfering and I still bloodied her up a bit. I don't even remember the last words she spoke to me, but I miss her. Well, I'm sure I don't want her back, but I miss her when we were friends, before all of this happened. I'm sure you know what I mean. 16
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Part 9: This has to deal with when the friend I was telling you about in Part 8 said that my problems were too big for her to deal with. That's something that I've heard a lot. I've lost a lot of people because they couldn't handle what was going on. I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, I'm the one going through it, so when they ask me to talk to them and I do, and then they get offended or mad, then they can just take that somewhere else because I can't deal with that anymore. I know that my load is heavy, and that it's not particularly pretty, but damn it all to hell if I'm going to tell someone something and then have them leave because it's too tough for them to chew. I give people fair warning, and if they're just being nosy, obviously I'll be able to tell when they tuck tail and run. Nothing pisses me off more these days than someone who only pretends to care. 18
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Part 10: There doesn't seem to be one set 'bad guy' in my life. As obvious as the candidate choice seems, that's not always the target of my hate. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I hate her, sometimes I hate all of them, sometimes I hate me, sometimes I hate every single living thing on this earth. Some days, the sun is my enemy, and others, the moon is. Sometimes I'm scared to leave the house, others I can't get out fast enough. There are some days when I'll take everything they give me, and some when I have to be forcefed, so to speak. There is no single thing that I have learned to focus my hate on, so when I don't have a target, I do tend to sling it around to myself. That's never pleasant. I don't like the fact that I can justify anything. I don't like the fact that I could very easily justify a daughter killing her father, and I really don't like the fact that if the bad guy gives me a sob story, it pulls my heart strings no matter what. I really don't like how fucking stupid I am.20
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Argh. I'm sorry for anyone who read all that, I just needed some things to be stirred up so I could try to deal with them, and of course the shallow thoughts came with. I'm not sure if this rant helped yet or not, but I do know that it took me 3 hours to type because I was crying through the whole fucking thing. 'Tis 12:00 on the dot now, so I guess 3 hours and 10 points later would be a good place to end it, hmm? Good night (and good morning) to you. 22
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