Never Meant to Be

We met at a Renfair, so of course I knew right off the bat that we would be friends. He had brown eyes, so I was uninterested. How shallow can I be? Besides, not looking to date, not needing to or ready, why would I want to try again? He took me out dancing and although never light on my toes it was one of the best nights of my life. So much fun and with a joie de vie that is contagious, the night was full of discussion, debate, humor, and fun all around. From 7pm 'til 2am I had fun and was distracted from my uncomfortable self. Then we continued to converse every night for near an hour either on an im or phone. I should have known then and stopped. Why do I continue to let myself do this? Dancing again, this time Contra, more of a country flaire. Again, it was such fun that I forgot the pain I was in, if only for a while. (Stupid sunburns). He asked what the fiery orange color meant. I'm glad I didn't say, but sad that he could brighten my day so. Last Friday it was decided that to date would be impractical. I wonder, if he is a true romantic as he says, what has practicallity to do with his life? Not that I want him to fill the position, not that it should even exist anymore to be filled since I have decided that I will end up in a covenant... but perhaps I will put it down as another blow to my ego. Another has rejected me. Though I guess I do not blame them, since I reject myself. Long ago I realized that though they pet me and call me cute, no one really wants to keep me. That's alright though, because I don't know if I would ever permit myself to be kept. Chalk another one up to foolish, stubborn pride.1

Did I already ruin another friendship though? Dear goodness, "Heaven help me for the way that I am. Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done. I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand, but I keep living this life like the next will never come."