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june 30, 10.49 p.m. -- call me shaken, stirred

do you ever have those nights where you have so much excess energy that your fingers shake and your eyes dart around like yes, you murdered someone here and -- is that the cops?1

and you don't know whether to run around and scream or just watch your body warm up, wake itself out of a sleep that you didn't even know was happening --2

and right now, i want to draw on the walls -red crayon to contrast the blue, pretty blue blue skywalls- and scratch my arms til they're red and raw and drink a lot and fall over and cry and smile and run and shop and spend and live because wherever i am,
god is in this moment --
this rare, unbelievably perfect moment --3

but i feel so trapped by my parent's house, my lost independence, myself 4

that i can't do any of it.5

so i'm just sitting here, shaking, watching the world not change around me & why should it? i could be changing it but i'm stuck here in this room, pretending --6

something.7

8

something, something is wrong in this picture
and i think it's me that doesn't belong.9

10

oh-- the beauty
of not going home
again.11

not that i didn't try, god i tried but it's just not.12

13

14

i don't want to waste this,
youth.15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

somewhere,
i'll find out what it means --

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